After Azali
by Ana
Summary: With someone new in Qui-Gon's life, where is Obi-Wan's place?


Title: After Azali  
Author: Anastasia padawan_ana@yahoo.com  
Categories: angst, h/c, POV (Obi)  
Rating: PG-13 for slash connotations  
Pairing: Q/O  
Status: Complete (whew!)  
Series: Not a series, exactly, but a sequel...to 'Azali'   
Archive: M_A  
  
Spoilers: Yes, for 'Azali', one of my previous works, to which this is a sequel (http://www.sockiipress.org/ma/ma2/azali.html)  
  
Summary: With someone new in Qui-Gon's life, where is Obi-Wan's place?   
  
Warnings: I know that as soon as this warning is given, half of the fic's potential readers will run screaming from the room. So, against my better judgement I will warn you: There is a BABY in this story. She is Qui-Gon's daughter. Her existance is pretty well explained in here, but you can get the complete back-story by reading 'Azali' (http://www.sockiipress.org/ma/ma2/azali.html). The story is not *about* the baby...but the baby does appear throughout. If you cannot handle the thought of having a baby mixed in with a fabulous plot and some wonderful O/Q angst and h/c then turn back now.   
  
Feedback: Please... This is by far the longest story I've ever written, so I have a lot of time and emotion invested here. Flames, should you feel the need to send them, will be cheerfully forwarded to the ferret, who will hunt down all flamers and bite their ankles. Thank you!  
  
Disclaimers: We all know who these characters belong to (Thank you, Mr. Lucas!), so there's no question as to who's getting all the credit, money, attention, etc. for these wonderful Jedi. (Hint: It's not me...) Disappointing as that is, I'd just like to borrow them to tell this story...  
  
Thank yous: Again, I bring you a story carefully and lovingly edited by the talented Calysta Rose! I've never worked with anyone who so closely shares my visions of stories and characters as Caly does. She keeps saying she thinks my writing is improving...but if it is, it's due in *very* large part to her suggestions and steadfast support.  
  
Thanks also to Robin Serrano for beta reading this as it went along...four, six, ten pages at a time. : ) Her ideas and takes on what was working and what needed clarifying have made this a much deeper story. Thank you, Robin! And thanks to Emrin Alexander for her beta reading throughout as well. Her suggestions were invaluable.  
  
Note: / / denotes mind voices of all kinds, including telepathy : ), * * or italics represents Obi-Wan's self-thoughts.  
  
  
After Azali  
by Anastasia  
  
"Rape this was!"   
  
Yoda's voice sounded overly loud in the high-ceilinged room. He rapped his stick harshly against the polished, hard-wood floor where my master and I knelt. I flinched at the sudden noise, then blushed, ashamed to have done so.   
  
"Master," Qui-Gon began evenly. "I hardly think this constitutes..."  
  
"Taken against your will you were! Defiled, a Jedi master has been! Brought to justice, someone will be, for committing this act!"  
  
I could see my master blanch and pale under the onslaught of words and emotions. For more than two hours we had knelt here, both of us with little to no sleep and Qui-Gon still in need of medical attention after Linli's birth. I was ready to drop and I knew my master must have felt the strain even more than I-although he said nothing. His body and mind were still not fully healed from his time on Azali. Surely Master Yoda could understand that.   
  
/He is merely concerned for my well-being, Padawan,/ Qui-Gon replied through our training bond. He sounded much calmer than he looked, but his spirit felt...weak. The thought scared me. He was tired. Too tired for this tumultuous battle of words. One did not even need use of the Force to discern it.  
  
/Do not judge him too harshly, Obi-Wan,/ Qui-Gon said softly into my mind. /Masters, regardless of their age or the ages of their padawans, sometimes find it difficult not to be over-protective./  
  
I knew my master referred to himself as well, and I did understand, somewhat. But Master Yoda was pushing too far, too fast. Qui-Gon was only newly-arrived back on Coruscant, free for the first time in a year. He had a lot to think about and deal with. Why was Master Yoda doing this to him?  
  
/Please do not worry,/ Qui-Gon intoned. /Master Yoda will come 'round. Soon he will see things as we do and learn to accept them. He only requires some time to adjust. As we all did. As we all will,/ he added.  
  
I gathered my shields more tightly around me, as they'd obviously slipped enough for my master to read my thoughts that clearly. *But I do worry, Master. I am worried about you,* I thought to myself. *Just as I am worried about Linli and about...us...*  
  
* * *  
  
"Master," Qui-Gon was trying to explain, as I emerged from my thoughts. "As I told you, the woman who...arranged all of this was killed. There is no one to blame anymore. I will take full responsibility for the consequences of her actions, both here in these chambers and for the rest of my life. But I will also nurture and support my daughter in any and every way I can."  
  
"A *daughter* there should not be!" Yoda exclaimed, no less agitated than before. "A point this proves. Led to chaos, have one selfish woman's actions. Led to chaos we all are, when consider the consequences of our actions we do not."  
  
"Would you punish a newborn for the crimes and wrong-doings of one mis-led woman?" Qui-Gon challenged. "Linli has done nothing, save for being born. She is an innocent in this. Can you not see this merely as an unexpected fork in life's road? Please accept it for what it is, Master: a miracle."  
  
I was so proud of my master in that one instant that I felt as if I would burst.  
  
Having stood silently behind Master Yoda, allowing him to speak his mind, Master Windu now stepped forward out of the shadows.   
  
"This situation has caught us all off-guard," he said diplomatically. "Perhaps some time and meditation would..."  
  
"Presume too much authority you should not," Yoda warned Master Windu.  
  
I held back the frustrated breath that was about to explode from my lungs. Why was Master Yoda acting this way? In all the time that I had known him, he had always been a monument of quiet understanding and calm inspiration. And now...   
  
Perhaps this was too personal, I thought. Perhaps where his own padawan was concerned he lacked the ability to be objective. I hadn't thought of Yoda lacking in anything, having lived nearly 900 years, but my master did tend to inspire a deep sense of caring wherever he went and with whatever he touched. I tried to do as Qui-Gon had asked of me, as Yoda chose me to focus on next.  
  
"And you, young padawan. What say you?"  
  
I looked at Master Yoda, trying to make my eyes less wide as I considered the question. No matter what my answer, I had the feeling I was trapped. Not wanting to look away from him, I did so anyway, sparing a quick glance at Qui-Gon and then at Master Windu. They both looked back with sympathy, but neither was in a position to assist me.  
  
"Master?" I asked most innocently, hoping to be given some clarification as to what Master Yoda wanted me to say.  
  
"Auditory deficiency do you have, Padawan?" Yoda asked, walking around me and pulling on one of my ears. "Perhaps visit the healers, you should."  
  
The taunt seemed to be too much for Qui-Gon.  
  
"Master..." he said quietly, half asking, half warning. "My padawan has done nothing..."  
  
"So sure you are, that your padawan he still is?" Yoda asked almost indignantly.  
  
I could feel my master's absolute shock through our bond, but I couldn't find it in myself to feel anything. My mind had gone numb.   
  
"Here for your padawan you have not been," Yoda told my master. "Gone for nearly a year, have you been. Forced to continue his training with another, he was. Now, come home you have with a different responsibility. Think that allowed to continue training Obi-Wan you will be?"  
  
Qui-Gon not my master? I felt myself begin to shake, and try as I might I couldn't will it to stop. While it was true that Master Windu had agreed to be my interim master during my own master's disappearance and subsequent captivity, neither of us had been under the impression that the arrangement was anything but temporary. We had never been given reason to think otherwise.   
  
Feeling suddenly dizzy, I closed my eyes against it and would have toppled over had it not been for Qui-Gon's large hand on my shoulder. I felt a calming wave of the Force from Master Windu's direction as well. I did not fall, but neither did the nausea dissipate.   
  
/Steady, Obi-Wan,/ Qui-Gon sent. /Be at ease. This too, shall pass./  
  
I didn't know if he referred to the way I was feeling or to Master's Yoda's conversation, but I was willing to accept either-or both.  
  
"Master Yoda, the placement of a padawan from one master's custody into another's requires a Council vote," Mace reminded Yoda. He exchanged a look with Qui-Gon that I couldn't interpret, but from the emotions playing across our training bond, I knew Qui-Gon could. "I suggest allowing Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to take their leave of us," he continued. "So that this matter may be discussed at length in the privacy of Council chambers."   
  
In the year we'd spent together, I'd come to know that tone. Master Windu would allow Master Yoda the chance to end this for now-or he'd force his hand. Either way, Qui-Gon and I would be allowed to leave here soon. Another shiver ran through me. How had something as beautiful as Linli's birth and as joyous as Qui-Gon's homecoming turned into such a nightmare?  
  
Yoda snorted and thrust his cane into the air, punctuating his words. "Do what we must, we all will. Meditate on this now, I must. Show yourselves out, you will." With a final look at Qui-Gon, which radiated disappointment, the elder master sank to his knees in the middle of the room and closed his eyes.   
  
With a small amount of Force help from Mace, Qui-Gon and I managed to stand and leave the room. My legs felt as weak as melted butter and I glanced at Qui-Gon, to see how he was faring. His face was chalky, but he stood and walked of his own accord. Once in the corridor, I took a shuddering breath of relief and fell to my knees again, drained. Immediately Qui-Gon was kneeling at my side, holding me close as I sobbed.   
  
"The last two weeks have been hard on him," I could hear Qui-Gon say to Master Windu as he gently stroked my cheek. "Thanks to me, he is suffering from high amounts of tension and a shocking lack of sleep."  
  
Master Windu made a sound of almost-laughter. "All of it unavoidable, of course. The same could be said for you, my friend," he reminded Qui-Gon. "Both you and Obi-Wan have been through much-for much longer than two weeks."  
  
There was silence then, and I felt as if I might be able to bring myself back under control. But when the hand that had been moving softly through my hair began to make soothing circles on my back, my fears and exhaustion surfaced again and I began to sob anew.   
  
"You would have been so proud of him, Qui-Gon," Mace was saying. "No one looked harder or held out more hope than Obi-Wan. And his performance on the Azali mission went above and beyond the requirements of a padawan. The Council owes him a debt of gratitude for bringing both you and your young one back to us. You've done a wonderful job with him. He is going to make an extraordinary knight."  
  
"Much of it he holds within himself," Qui-Gon said. "I have merely been a means of bringing those qualities out. And I have always been proud of him."  
  
I felt myself falling into the soft folds of sleep. The voices came from further and further away, echoing in my muffled mind.  
  
"I am sorry for what happened in there. I did not expect Yoda's thoughts to take that particular path."  
  
"Yoda's beliefs and views have always been unique unto himself..."  
  
"Especially where you are concerned, I'm afraid. Most of the time that is in your favor, though unfortunately not in this instance."  
  
"As you have pointed out, he cannot make this decision alone. The Council must discuss it and the Council must decide what is right for all concerned."  
  
"And if they decide that Obi-Wan is no longer able to be your padawan...?"  
  
I had not drifted so far down as to miss Master Windu's painful question.   
  
*Nooooooooo!* my mind screamed loud enough to be heard by both masters. Gently, a hand was laid on the back of my head and my mind filled with the suggestion of a deeper sleep. I tried to shake the feeling off. *Nonononono...*  
  
"I cannot believe that will happen, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it," my master said.  
  
And I knew no more.  
  
* * *  
  
I woke with a start, confused, not knowing where I was. Sleep still tugged sharply at the corners of my mind, but I fought it off. Sitting up, I looked around. Master Windu's quarters? No. My own room? No, but it was the quarters I had shared with Qui-Gon before his disappearance. Qui-Gon's bed, then. I had been left to sleep on Qui-Gon's bed?  
  
Listening, I heard nothing, decided I was alone. Alarmingly, the events of the morning flooded my mind and panic gripped me. How long had I been asleep? Where *was* my master? Had a decision been made?   
  
Hurriedly I untangled myself from the bed-sheets, cursing legs that suddenly seemed far too long, and I hit the floor running. Spotting my cloak, neatly hung by someone on the back of a nearby chair, I freed it quickly and shrugged my arms into the deep sleeves. Forgetting, for the moment, that my feet were bare, I rushed out the door-and straight into the tall, solid form of Master Windu.  
  
I gasped, both from having the breath nearly knocked out of me, and at the impropriety of running in the Temple, nearly trampling the second-most-powerful Jedi on the Council. Ashamed, and feeling much younger than my nineteen years, I hung my head awaiting his judgment.  
  
"Obi-Wan, look at me."  
  
Slowly, I raised my head, trying to cool my reddened face and calm my pounding heart. Strong hands, reminding me so much of my master's, found their way to my shoulders, squeezing gently.  
  
"Your concern is nothing to be ashamed of," he said quietly.   
  
It was not what I had expected and for a moment I did not know what to say. "My master..." I began finally. "And Linli...Where...?"  
  
Master Windu draped one arm around my back, guiding me down the corridor in the direction from which he'd come. "I will take you to them," he told me. "We may talk along the way."  
  
It was only as we turned the first of many corners that I noticed my lack of footwear. Master Windu easily followed my thoughts and glanced down, seeing my bare toes sticking out from under my robes as we walked.  
  
"Do not fret," he said easily. "There are many things more important in this life than having shoes on one's feet."  
  
In that instant, I could almost feel that everything would be all right.  
  
"How long was I asleep?" I asked, fear tightening my throat.  
  
"Nine hours," came the even reply.  
  
Nine hours? Nine hours was an eternity where an upset Master Yoda was concerned.  
  
"Why...?" I could barely form a coherent thought. "Why did you...?"  
  
"Less than a rotation ago, you were aboard a vessel where you spent nearly five weeks' time. Even without looking at the ship's records, I know you spent most of that time working and worrying and tending your master...and very little of it sleeping and taking care of yourself."  
  
I started to protest.  
  
"Even full Jedi masters must take time to maintain their own well-being-or be encouraged to do so by other means." The quicksilver smile took the sting out of his words.  
  
"Master Qui-Gon?" I asked again, forcing myself to match Master Windu's slower gait. "Linli?"  
  
"Qui-Gon had surgery four hours ago, to repair the tissue and muscles that were compromised by the drugs and surgery during his stay on the planet and during Linli's birth."  
  
"Is he...?  
  
A hand on my shoulder again. "Qui-Gon is fine, Obi-Wan. He came through the surgery in excellent condition and is resting comfortably in the medical center. As is Linli."  
  
I breathed a sigh of relief. I had been worried about the little one. She had not been out of our sight the entire trip home. Had not been out of contact with Qui-Gon for almost a year. And having been forced to relinquish her into the hands of the healers upon our arrival on Coruscant had been terribly difficult. But she was a tiny thing, born a month and a half before her scheduled arrival, and there were precautions to be taken. Our immediate summons to speak with Master Yoda hadn't helped any, either.  
  
As we rounded the last corner and found the large doors to the Medical Chambers looming before us, it was I who slowed and then stopped. I turned to face Master Windu.  
  
"Master Windu," I asked, begging his understanding. "What is to happen to my master? To me?"   
  
Warm fingers came up, brushed my cheek. "I am due to attend an emergency meeting of the Council at half past the hour, Obi-Wan," he told me. "As I have already told your master.   
  
"Please believe me when I say I will do everything within my power to present Council members with a thorough, detailed account of what the past year has meant for both you and Qui-Gon. And somewhere therein you may be sure that I will tell them that while I have enjoyed every minute of my time as your temporary master, you belong back where you can truly flourish-under Qui-Gon's wing. For them to decide otherwise would be to do you both a great injustice."  
  
I met Master Windu's eyes, conveying my gratefulness through the small link we had developed for training purposes, and together we walked into the healing chambers.  
  
* * *  
  
"Master!" The sight of Qui-Gon sitting up in bed, watching us come through the door was a welcome one.   
  
"My Obi-Wan."   
  
Oh, how I had missed that voice all those long, lonely months! Standing by the door, I breathed deeply, taking in the azure eyes, the shiny hair hanging in loose waves, the crooked nose I had grown so used to and I had to work hard not to weep at what I'd almost lost.   
  
Inexorably drawn into the room I saw, for the first time, Linli lying cradled in the crook of my master's arm, wrapped in a yellow blanket. Approaching the bed, I locked gazes with Qui-Gon and reached out to greet the newborn. Instead, my fingers were inexplicably drawn to Qui-Gon's hair, fanned out in soft array against the sterile, white pillow cases.   
  
Gently tracing the length of one soft piece as it swept down Qui-Gon's shoulder to his elbow, I was reminded of the times my master had allowed me to wash and brush the silken strands. The ritual of brushing and braiding had been somehow cleansing and calming for both of us, and I had sorely missed our quiet together-times during his absence.   
  
Allowing my hand to continue its movement, I carefully pulled back the blanket covering the baby's face. She was even tinier than I remembered. Reddish curls dusted the top of her head, and as I tenderly swirled one of them around my pinkie, startling green eyes suddenly popped open.   
  
I cried out softly, in surprise, eliciting a chuckle from my master.   
  
"It's just a baby, Obi-Wan," he teased. "No need to be frightened."  
  
I felt my cheeks color at the remark, but the warm feeling that swept through me upon hearing my master-being with him like this again-had nothing to do with my embarrassment.  
  
"Hello, small one," I greeted Linli with a whisper. "Welcome home."   
  
I ran one finger along the top of her hand, and her fingers uncurled, gripping my pinkie when I offered it. There was such an intelligence in her eyes, such a sense of the Force, that I wondered how much she truly understood.   
  
Behind me, Master Windu cleared his throat.  
  
"Obi-Wan, I must be going now."  
  
I straightened up, finger still held in Linli's grasp, and looked at the other master, trying to imagine what he was thinking.  
  
"Go with the Force, Mace," Qui-Gon told him. "And know that I am grateful for all you have done for me." He looked at me and took a breath. "For us."  
  
Master Windu nodded as he turned to go. "The Council takes so much of my time," he said. "I had truly forgotten what it was like to have a padawan in my life. Your Obi-Wan was the bright spot in my otherwise dull days. You know that I would do it again, if it were necessary."  
  
I could feel Qui-Gon smile. I knew that Master Windu spoke figuratively, but I couldn't suppress the involuntary shudder that rippled through me. My master had been taken from me once already. I prayed with everything I had in me that it would not be allowed to happen again.  
  
* * *  
  
I felt complete-something I had not felt in a very long time. Curled comfortably next to Qui-Gon, on his bed in our quarters, I drifted in and out of sleep and reveled in the quiet peacefulness. On Qui-Gon's chest, Linli nursed softly.  
  
When the door chime sounded, it startled us all.  
  
"Door, open," Qui-Gon ordered, loudly enough to trigger the door but soft enough not to disturb the baby's dinner.  
  
The door swished open to reveal Master Windu, looking to be standing there only by sheer will of the Force. The concern that washed through my master brought me fully awake.  
  
"Mace! For Force sake, come in and sit down! Have you been with the Council all this time?"  
  
It had been nearly six hours since Master Windu's scheduled appointment. The meeting couldn't have lasted that long, I thought. What would they have to talk about for that amount of time?  
  
Master Windu all but stumbled into the room. Concerned, I rushed from my place on the bed, grabbing his arm to steady him and leading him to a chair. I barely had a chance to divest him of his cloak before he collapsed, his knees seeming to buckle beneath him.  
  
"Mace?" Now Qui-Gon was sitting up, gentling Linli as she fussed a bit, but almost unaware of his motions in his concern for the other master.  
  
"Qui-Gon..." Master Windu's face went gray as he said my master's name. I had never seen him so distressed, had never felt so much emotional pain from one person. I knelt on the floor beside Master Windu, wanting to stay close, but not wanting to interfere with their conversation.   
  
"Qui-Gon..." he began again, his voice strangled. "They would not agree to your continuing on as Obi-Wan's master. I'm so sorry..."  
  
I felt as physically ill as Master Windu looked, and Qui-Gon went so pale I feared he would pass out. Sensing the drop in Force energy, Linli began to whimper despairingly.  
  
"I tried, Qui-Gon," Master Windu continued. "I really tried. And there were many on the Council who shared my views. But with Yoda's earlier arguments still fresh in their minds, it was not enough."  
  
"No..." I whispered, unsure I had even said it aloud. "No, please..."  
  
I felt a hand on my hair. "Obi-Wan?" Master Windu.  
  
"No, please," I said, feeling hot all over. "Please...don't send me away. Not again."  
  
There was movement across the room, and suddenly I felt myself lifted, held in Qui-Gon's arms as if I were no bigger than Linli.  
  
"No one is going to send you away," he said fiercely. "Are they Mace?"   
  
I could feel Master Windu's shock as Qui-Gon effectively pinned him with his words.   
  
"Technically...yes..." Master Windu said somewhat weakly. "Although 'away' is a relative term. Obi-Wan would be allowed to remain with me, as my padawan, if he so chooses. If not, another suitable master would be sought."   
  
His voice faded. He was a strong man, but being emotionally torn in as many different directions as he had this day was trying even his strength. If I had had any strength of my own, I would have gladly lent it to him.  
  
Qui-Gon's arms clenched around me. "They can't take him, Mace! On what grounds?"  
  
"On the grounds," came the tired reply. "That Obi-Wan's training was disrupted for nearly a year. The year after his eighteenth birthday-probably the most important year in a padawan's training. It has been determined that at such a critical juncture of his training, it would be less harmful for him to continue as he has been, rather than to revert to his previous master and training."  
  
Qui-Gon flinched as if he'd been struck. "Less harmful? Meaning that I am harmful to him?" My master was outraged. On the bed, Linli began to protest-loudly-at being ignored.  
  
"Please, Qui-Gon. This is hard enough for me as it is." Master Windu truly sounded as if he had no energy left. "I'm only repeating to you what the Council told me. You know I don't agree with it. I'm sorry. I truly am."  
  
When Linli began to howl and Qui-Gon showed no sign of going to her rescue, I disentangled myself from his death grip and made my way over to the bed. I was shaking like a leaf, but for Linli's sake, I tried to project a facade of calm. It didn't quite work, but just being held close was enough and she quieted down. As I rocked her back and forth, I found I knew exactly how she felt.  
  
Lost in the serenity that was Linli's sweet face, I nearly forgot about the masters. Focusing on them again, I caught only bits of the tense, strangled conversation going on between them. But one did not have to know the words to see the furrowed brows and stricken looks to know the whole ordeal was far from over.  
  
When they noticed me watching them, their talking ceased. Qui-Gon slowly got to his feet and offered Master Windu a hand up from the chair. With great care-or great sadness-Master Windu slipped into his robes and carefully fastened the sash.   
  
"I promise you this is not over," he said to my master. "The Council has another session at sunrise tomorrow and I will be there. Regardless of the agenda, I *will* bring their decision up again. I know there is enough interest and enough splintering within the group to re-open the discussion to take a second vote if necessary." He stuck out his chin defiantly, showing why he was second only to Master Yoda on the Council.  
  
Stopping beside the bed, Master Windu laid a hand on my arm. "I meant what I told you earlier. I was honored to call you padawan while your master was unable to perform his duties as such. And I would be proud to do so again, should the Council deem such a thing necessary.   
  
"I know none of us wants to face that reality, but if it should come to pass, I want you to know that just as you have a special place in your master's heart, so too do you have one in mine."  
  
Even after he was long gone, I could feel the warmth of Master Windu's thoughts in my mind. And I wanted to think that everything would be all right...but somehow I was sure it would not.  
  
* * *  
  
Qui-Gon allowed me to sleep late the next morning, which was a rare exception to our usual training regime. But, then, there had been nothing usual about our training in the past year. I was sure he felt I needed the sleep, but I wished he would follow his own advice and rest a bit more as well. He had always been an early riser, though, and was up even earlier now that Linli was around.  
  
I lay in bed, drifting in and out of sleep for a while, wanting to get up to be with Qui-Gon but knowing that the sooner I got up the sooner I'd have to face whatever realities the day brought with it.   
  
When the door chimed, I tensed automatically, expecting it to be Master Windu with news from the Council. I heard Qui-Gon order the door open, but when it was Master Yoda's voice that filled the silence of our quarters, my heart began to pound and I gripped the blankets tightly.  
  
"Come to speak to your padawan, I have."  
  
I could barely breathe. I didn't want to face Master Yoda again. Not after yesterday.   
  
"Obi-Wan is resting," I heard my master say crisply. "I will not have him disturbed."  
  
I buried my face in the blankets to stifle my gasp of surprise. Qui-Gon was refusing Master Yoda's request? Half of me thought it would be wise to get up and dress quietly, awaiting the moment when I'd surely be forced to speak with the elder master. But my other half wanted nothing more than to stay hidden beneath the covers, feigning sleep and hoping I'd be forgotten.  
  
/Remain where you are, padawan,/ Qui-Gon's voice came softly into my mind. /Should your presence be required, I will summon you./  
  
"Come to apologize, I have, to both you and your padawan."  
  
Beneath the covers, my mouth dropped open. When Qui-Gon did not immediately reply, I wondered if he was having the same reaction.  
  
"Master, I..."  
  
"No, padawan," Yoda said. "Allow me. Under great strain have you been. Under great strain has your padawan been. Reacted badly I have. To see a padawan hurt no master wishes." He paused. "To see *you* hurt, I do not wish. Neither approve nor disapprove of your situation do I. But...accept it I do."  
  
"That is all I ask, Master." There was an undercurrent of relief to Qui-Gon's words. I knew it was important to him that his former master accept Linli and the events leading to her birth, rather than pointing fingers and placing blame. "Obi-Wan will be so pleased."  
  
Qui-Gon's words warmed me.   
  
"Take part in the Council's final decision I did not. Impartial I cannot be. Discuss it again and vote again today, they may. Do it without me they will. Enough harm already I have done."  
  
I felt Qui-Gon's surprise at Master Yoda's admission. "You only spoke what you felt," my master told Master Yoda. "As you always taught me to do."  
  
"Of all times," Master Yoda lamented. "*Now* must I pick to hear my own words."  
  
I stifled a giggle.  
  
Suddenly Yoda's voice grew so quiet that I had to strain to hear it through the closed door. Just the tone was enough to put me on alert.  
  
"Something to tell you, I have, Qui-Gon," Yoda said softly. "Share with you a piece of my past, I must."  
  
For the next hour I sat atop my bed, perfectly still, barely breathing. The story Yoda spun was as unbelievable as it was tragic.   
  
* * *  
  
It was difficult to think of Yoda as a young man. Even moreso as a young knight with his first padawan. But over eight centuries ago it had been just that way.   
  
Yoda told my master of his first padawan, a small, agile girl with hair the color of straw and eyes like the summer sky. At just eleven years of age, she had been sought after as padawan by many of the masters, quick and skilled as she was. But Master Yoda had attained the right to train her.  
  
She had been under his tutelage seven years when they had been sent to negotiate a treaty on Bengel. The talks had gone on for more than a month, and by the end, Sonria had been restless. Intending to give her a short respite from the proceedings, Yoda had agreed to Sonria's request for a day away from the negotiating tables-with the provision that she remain on the grounds of their temporary housing.  
  
But Sonria had rebelled. She had gone alone into the city, with its bustling crowds and heavy population. And she'd found herself lost-until three of the city's young men had found her and convinced her they would help. The help had consisted of an attack and brutal and repeated rapings.  
  
Yoda had followed Sonria's Force signature until he located her at last, drugged, beaten, and thrown into the street for dead. Her injuries had been successfully treated upon their return to Coruscant, but there would always be reminders of the impulsive behavior which had led to them...the child she carried was more than proof of that.  
  
Yoda had known his padawan's penchant for rebellion, had known it to get her into trouble many times over. But he hadn't counted on her directly disobeying him during a mission. And while he held Sonria responsible for her actions, he took a much larger responsibility for it himself, for not having felt what she was planning to do.   
  
Sonria, on the other hand, had placed the entire blame on Yoda, saying hurtful things to him and implying that he cared more about a mission than he did about her. Slowly, she began to change. Along with the child growing inside of her, Yoda sensed darkness.  
  
Four months after the fated Bengel mission, their master/apprentice bond had atrophied so severely Yoda had requested Council intervention. As he and Sonria prepared to finish up a mission and return to Coruscant for counseling, they had been caught in a rock slide on the unstable planet.   
  
The damage done had been more severe than the loss of Sonria's unborn son; the incident brought to the forefront every negative feeling Sonria had stored inside. She had turned on Yoda, cursing him and all the others like him. He felt her anger, knew she was as close to turning as she had ever been.   
  
Soon after, Sonria had fled the temple and her life as a padawan, and it wasn't long before she had turned completely to the Darkness. Yoda had never completely purged himself of the guilt, and even eight centuries could not erase the hurt.  
  
* * *  
  
/You may dress now and attend me, Padawan,/ Qui-Gon said through our link, aware that I had heard Yoda's story.   
  
As I slipped into my clothes, I thought about what Qui-Gon's situation must have meant to Yoda...a kidnapping, a rape, an unexpected child. To have been forced to remember and relive the feelings from his first padawan must have been difficult in the extreme. Qui-Gon was no longer Master Yoda's apprentice, but if Master Yoda equated what had happened to Qui-Gon to what had happened to Sonria, it was no wonder he had been so adamantly against Linli.  
  
In five minutes time I was dressed in a tunic and leggings, shyly exiting my bedroom and hurrying to my master's side.   
  
"Looking better you are, padawan. How feel you?" Master Yoda asked without preamble.  
  
"I am well, Master, thank you," I replied formally. I did not want to give him any reason to become upset again.  
  
"Wise your master has been to allow you the rest you need," Master Yoda said.  
  
"I believe my body has benefited from the sleep, Master," I told him.   
  
"Only one part of our well-being is the body," he said. "At our best we cannot be, if weary in mind and spirit we are."  
  
"Yes, Master," I agreed. I had been taught that by my master as well.  
  
"Commend you, I do, on a job well done," Yoda said, taking me by surprise. "Acted in the best interests of your master and of all Jedi on Azali, you did. Recognized that fact earlier, I should have."  
  
I was speechless. It was high praise, coming from Master Yoda, and it was as close to an apology as I was likely to hear. I knew that it had cost the elder Jedi dearly to say those words.   
  
"But take back my words I cannot," Master Yoda said with a sad smile. "Trust in the Force, we must, to guide the Council's decision."  
  
"Shall I prepare tea and first meal, Master?" I asked, trying to lead my mind away from such worrying thoughts.  
  
Qui-Gon laughed out loud, ruffling my hair. "You seem to have lost track of the time, my padawan. While you've been cat-napping, the day has not. It is nearly past the hour of noon meal. Linli has already eaten twice and gone down for her mid-day nap."  
  
*Past noon meal?!* I'd known it was late, but never had my master allowed me to sleep the day away like this.  
  
/Never have we found ourselves in a situation such as this,/ came Qui-Gon's thoughts. /We must take each new day as it comes, my padawan, and do whatever must be done to get through it. If a few more hours of sleep is what it takes to maintain your health, then that is what will be given you./  
  
I smiled, inwardly, for my master's eyes only, but found that I could not help smiling outwardly as well. Sometimes my joy at being Master Jinn's padawan was such that I couldn't possibly keep the feelings inside.  
  
"Then I shall prepare a light meal for our lunch, Master," I said aloud. "Master Yoda, will you join us?"  
  
I saw a look pass between Qui-Gon and Master Yoda and couldn't tell if it was in regards to me or to each other. In any case, both masters nodded after a moment.  
  
"That would be a kindness, Padawan."  
  
"Happy I would be, to join you."  
  
* * *  
  
In the small kitchen I hurried about, heating water for tea and laying out a tray of cheeses, crackers, and fruit. When the tea was ready, I carried a small pot of it into the dining area, pouring cups for the two masters and then one for myself. Returning to the kitchenette, I left the tea warming and carefully carried the food back to the table.  
  
We ate in relative silence, each of us with our own thoughts. More than once I had to remind myself to slow down, to eat politely rather than shoveling the food in. I was starving and it seemed like forever since I had eaten. Forever since I had had any appetite for eating. If the masters noticed the many emptyings and subsequent refillings of my plate, they kindly kept their observations to themselves.  
  
When everyone had eaten their fill, I cleared the table and poured more tea. The masters retired to the main room while I cleaned and dried the dishes and were settled and ready for dessert when I brought it in. The lemon-filled pastry I'd chosen was a particular favorite of Master Yoda. Enthusiastically, he dug into the fluffy stuff, making small sounds of delight as he savored the sweet treat. When my master gave me a knowing look I flushed and ducked my head, disappearing back into the safe haven of the kitchen to store what remained of the dessert.   
  
/Please come back in, Padawan,/ Qui-Gon thought in apology to his teasing. /Bring a piece for yourself and enjoy. It was very kind of you to think of Master Yoda when preparing the dessert. But, then, you have always placed the wants and needs of others above your own./   
  
The last comment was almost sorrowful, and it reminded me of the more serious undercurrents of the day. Quickly, I cut a slice of pastry and took it into the sitting area, settling in comfortably at my master's feet to partake of it.   
  
Halfway through my dessert, I heard a soft snore. Glancing across the room, I saw that Master Yoda had fallen asleep, likely a combination of a filling lunch and the hectic schedule he kept as head of the Council.   
  
"Master?" I said quietly, looking up at Qui-Gon to see if he had noticed. He nodded his head, silently placing a finger to his lips.  
  
"Hush, Obi-Wan. All is well." A reassuring hand fell upon my shoulder.  
  
I finished my dessert silently, the reassuring warmth of that presence a great comfort.  
  
Placing my empty plate on the floor beside me, I leaned back against my master's legs. Reveling in the quiet I closed my eyes, feeling as if I could sleep again even though I had spent most of the morning in bed.   
  
Just as I was drifting off, the door chime sounded. Believing me to be asleep, Qui-Gon carefully lifted my head and shoulders, freeing his legs so that he could get up and answer the door. Comfortable and relaxed as I was, I allowed him to do so without saying a word. It was only when I realized just who had come calling that I came wide awake, willing the prickling in my sleeping feet to abate so that I might go to my master's side.  
  
"Depa? Yarael? Mace...please, come in."   
  
I could feel my master's trepidation even as he politely showed the masters inside. Rubbing the last remnants of sleep from my eyes, I got to my feet and stood awaiting what was to come. Belatedly, I found myself wishing I had my robe, feeling oddly underdressed.   
  
Bowing my head in acknowledgment of our visitors, I saw Master Yoda's eyes open as the other masters came to stand just inside the room's doorway. Immediate awareness filled his wizened face and he looked at them expectantly. Qui-Gon moved to stand next to me.  
  
"News for us, you have?" Master Yoda asked them.   
  
There was an aura about the trio that did not speak well of the news they brought.  
  
"The Council has again cast their votes," Master Poof told Master Yoda. "By a margin of two it has been decided that Padawan Kenobi shall remain under the apprenticeship of Master Windu. Beginning in three rotations, Qui-Gon Jinn will give up his right to..."  
  
If anything further was said, I didn't hear it. Crumpling to the floor, I struggled to hold on to reality, to center myself before my world spun entirely out of control. I could feel Qui-Gon's hand in my hair, his voice in my mind, but the deafening roar in my ears blocked any coherent thoughts I might have had. All I could do was remain where I was and hope that it stopped before it drove me insane.  
  
* * *  
  
/Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan./  
  
The pounding was still loud in my mind, but I managed to quiet it enough to hear Qui-Gon calling into my thoughts.   
  
/Obi-Wan.../  
  
I had been on my knees only a handful of seconds, but it suddenly came to me that I might have offended some in the room by ceasing to listen. Or, Force forbid, disgraced my master by showing weakness in the face of what I saw as a tragedy.  
  
/Master, I'm so sorry,/ I thought, as I attempted to pull myself to my feet. I could feel the thoughts of all the masters on me, and I was ashamed when my master's hand gripping the top of my arm was the only thing that kept me from sliding back down to the floor. I tried to concentrate on the faces before me, but I felt nauseously dizzy and my eyes refused to focus.   
  
/Stay with us, padawan,/ my master said. /Allow me to do away with this excess clutter and then we will talk./  
  
I remained upright, trying not to look as dazed as I felt.  
  
"My gratitude to you for coming in person," Qui-Gon told the Council members. "This is not the sort of news I'd like to hear through the temple grapevine. Now, of your kindness, I'd like to have some time alone with my padawan. I'm sure you can understand that, considering the circumstances." He was not purposely unkind in his words, but neither did he mask his displeasure. He sounded as betrayed as I felt, and he did not do much to hide it.  
  
I saw Master Windu catch Qui-Gon's eye and wondered if my master would allow him to stay when the others left. Master Yoda must have caught the exchange as well.   
  
"Much to discuss, we have," Master Yoda said to the masters, making his way slowly across the room. "Master Windu, lead the talks I will, if stay here and settle things you will."  
  
It was a brilliant move to get everyone to leave, while allowing Master Windu to stay behind, and the other masters accepted it easily. Throwing an all-knowing look over his stooped shoulder, Master Yoda stepped neatly between Master Billaba and Master Poof and led them away.  
  
When only the three of us remained, Master Windu excused himself on the premise of starting a pot of tea to brew in the kitchen. Qui-Gon led me to the couch and sank down beside me when I dropped heavily onto one of the olive-drab cushions. He reached out and took my hands in his.  
  
"Obi-Wan, I..."   
  
A small noise from Linli stopped him in mid-sentence. He looked at me, an apology for the poorly-timed interruption in his eyes. The noise quickly turned into a steady, high-pitched wail. When Qui-Gon remained where he was, wanting to take care of our problem, but torn between that and taking care of his daughter, Linli began to cry as if she had been abandoned.  
  
"It's okay Master, really," I told him. "Please go to her."  
  
Looking at me for a few moments longer, Qui-Gon dropped my hands with a quick squeeze and disappeared into his bedroom. I remained where I was, staring down at my hands and thinking.   
  
Perhaps this was exactly what the Council had foreseen, I thought suddenly. I knew Qui-Gon had enough time and patience in his life and in his heart for both of us, but maybe the Council just couldn't see it that way, couldn't afford to see it that way. Maybe they feared, as Master Yoda had, that my training and well-being would suffer now that my master had another young one to provide for.   
  
The thought, when it hit me, was like a stroke of lightning, and I was surprised it had not occurred to me before. A master was never allowed to take on two padawans for that very reason. Linli was hardly a padawan, but the idea was similar. A master needed to be able to show full devotion to a padawan. Without the proper amount of concentration and attention, a master/padawan bond would not develop properly and training and learning would suffer.   
  
For the first time since I'd learned there was to *be* a Linli, I felt lost. I couldn't go back to the way things had been before with my master...but I wasn't sure I wanted to go forward, either. I had always felt I'd found a place to fit in, under the guidance of my master's gentle hand and free spirit. And now I wasn't sure *where* I fit in.   
  
Qui-Gon emerged from the bedroom and my focus turned outward again. He cradled a red-faced Linli, who didn't seem to be happy with him no matter how he patted or held her.   
  
"She isn't wet...she isn't hungry," he said almost to himself. "She's just..."   
  
"Upset by the shifting Force currents," Master Windu said, coming in from the kitchen with the tea. "And I can see why. There have certainly been enough of them in here today. This amount of shifting would be enough to set off bells and whistles for a new knight. Can you imagine what it feels like to a new *baby* with the amount of Force sensitivity your new one has? I'm surprised she's lasted this long without fussing."  
  
Qui-Gon looked at Master Windu in surprise, his eyebrows arching toward his hairline.   
  
"I was going to say she's unsettled," he said, as if not wanting Master Windu to think he didn't know the feelings of his own daughter. "I can feel it within her. But you are right. She is upset by all that has happened. As am I."  
  
"Which doesn't help her, either," Master Windu said.  
  
"And when have you suddenly become the infant expert?" Qui-Gon asked, only half in jest. "To my knowledge, you have never had an interest in children...and have even gone out of your way to avoid having to deal with them."  
  
Master Windu shrugged almost self-consciously. "Just a feeling I had. That's all."   
  
Still curled on the couch, I followed the conversation with my eyes, as if the two masters dueled with lightsabers instead of words. The banter flowed easily between them, as did the undercurrents of their friendship, and I regretted that I was likely to the be the reason they stopped.  
  
Almost immediately, Qui-Gon looked over his shoulder, as if seeing me for the first time. His expression changed to one of shame.  
  
"Obi-Wan..."  
  
"Here, Qui-Gon," Master Windu said, holding out his arms toward Linli. "Allow me."  
  
After a short pause, Qui-Gon gently placed the newborn into Master Windu's hands. Just as she was when my master held her, Linli was all but hidden in the other master's cupped palms. She was so tiny! No wonder Qui-Gon felt such a need to protect her.  
  
Gently, Master Windu shifted Linli to her stomach and then up against his shoulder. She appeared so small, that he may have held nothing more than a river stone. But he treated her tenderly, as if she were a precious jewel or priceless artifact. And she stilled. Without a word, Master Windu walked slowly into my master's room, rubbing two fingers in comforting circles around Linli's tiny back. Whether he was attempting to put her back down to sleep or merely sitting holding her, he didn't come back out of the room.  
  
Shaking his head as if Master Windu's unusual reaction still baffled him, Qui-Gon came to sit beside me once again, this time pulling me into his arms. Startlingly, he let his shields drop one by one, and all of his emotions, his thoughts, his regrets were laid wide open for me to see. It was as frightening as it was liberating.   
  
When I next became aware of my surroundings, I found myself sobbing, face against my master's robes like a lost child. And in some ways I was. Did I belong to both masters now? Or neither? Too emotionally drained to think about it further, I allowed myself to be coaxed into an uneasy sleep, held as gently as my master seemed to hold all that was precious to him.  
  
* * *  
  
At seven years old, as I awaited my eighth birthday, the three days before had seemed like a long time. At nine, when I was separated from my master for the first time after forming our training bond, the three days he was away on a solo mission had seemed like forever. At fifteen, when I'd been hurt and lost in the jungles on Trigatia, the three pain-filled days I'd spent before my master found me had seemed never-ending. But now, faced with only three days before one of the biggest changes of my life, it seemed like only moments. And the moments were slipping through my fingers.  
  
I packed my things little by little, although I didn't have much left in my master's quarters. During the year I'd spent with him, Master Windu had been transferred to a larger set of rooms built to accommodate a padawan learner, so my new bedroom already contained most of what I needed for day-to-day living. I hadn't moved all my things out of the quarters I'd shared with Qui-Gon, though, and Master Windu hadn't made me. We'd both known in our hearts that he would return-but neither of us could have known that the beginning of his return to the Temple would signal the end of his return to me.  
  
It became a ritual. Each of our last three mornings together, after Qui-Gon and I exercised and had first meal, I holed myself up in my room to pack, to think, and to remember. It worried Qui-Gon, I knew...and saddened him. We were both taking the Council's decision badly and I knew he wanted to spend all the time he could with me. But there were things I just could not do in his presence, and packing to move out was one of them.  
  
With each trip I made to my new room-a new room located several floors and corridors away from my old one-I felt my heart and feet grow heavier. With each crate I carried out, a bit of me went out with it. Masters and padawans were generally not separated, except in the extreme cases of a grave illness or death. And I had once known a master/padawan team to have been separated at their own request, due to 'irreconcilable differences', but I had never known a pair without major physical or mental issues to resolve to have been split apart due to Council decision.  
  
My last day under Qui-Gon's tutelage was the hardest. I didn't trust myself to speak without losing my control, and so I remained as still as stone while trying to choke down the fruit and muffins Qui-Gon had taken the time to prepare.  
  
After breakfast, I disappeared into my room while Qui-Gon was clearing the table and fell to my knees on the now-bare wooden floor. I needed...something. Casting my mind into the Force, I prayed for guidance. I didn't want to feel like this, didn't want to ruin the only time Qui-Gon and I had left together, but I didn't know how to make the horrible, empty feelings I was having go away.   
  
I had to *do* something. Something meaningful. Something my master would always remember when he thought of me. When I was no longer around. I closed my eyes, letting the tears in my eyes slide past my lids and down my cheeks. It was such a small price to pay for the sorrow I felt.  
  
The small flow of tears turned into a great river, but the tears were cleansing and I was not ashamed of them. I allowed the feelings that rushed through me to swirl about for a bit and then released them out into the Force. I needed to experience them, but I also needed to let them go.   
  
Not surprisingly, once I had emptied my soul of the worst of its sadness, an idea came to me. Quickly washing my face and straightening my robes, I left the quarters that would be mine for only another half-rotation and headed to gather what I would need to make my final contribution as Qui-Gon Jinn's padawan.  
  
* * *  
  
"Obi-Wan?  
  
Qui-Gon's worried voice was muffled on the other side of my locked bedroom door.   
  
"Obi-Wan? Are you certain that you are well?"  
  
"Yes, Master," I answered back. He had asked no less than a dozen times in the last six hours.  
  
"Will you not even come out for night meal?" His voice grew low, almost desperate. "Is this so upsetting to you, Padawan, that you cannot even talk with me about it?"  
  
I was still hurt by the Council's decision and there was no doubt that a bit of my work this day had been in an attempt to avoid the true issue of our impending separation. But the project I worked so tirelessly on was becoming a project of love and I was finding myself less and less anxious about the future with each new addition I made to my handiwork.  
  
My heart went out to Qui-Gon. While I had something to keep my fingers busy and my mind at bay, he had no such thing. Doubling my efforts, I wiped the sweat from my eyes and put on a burst of speed so as to finish my work that much faster. And I had to admit that each new touch spurred me on toward the moment when I would be able to share this secret with my master.  
  
* * *  
  
Standing in the middle of the room which had been mine for over a decade, I surveyed my work critically. Stretching, I thought about how good it had felt to work with my hands, to pour everything I had into the project. After ten and a half hours I was completely exhausted, but I found my anticipation building at the thought of sharing this with Qui-Gon. It sadly marked the end of my time with him as padawan, but it would now also mark a new beginning as well.  
  
Showering and putting on a clean tunic and leggings felt refreshingly wonderful. Carefully I rebraided my padawan tail, fingers becoming shaky as I added the bead and fastener Qui-Gon had given me for my eighteenth birthday. Taking a deep breath, I straightened my clothing, took one last look in the mirror and went to find Qui-Gon.  
  
Taking care not to leave the door to my room open too long, I slipped out into the main room and closed the door behind me. Qui-Gon stood before me, as if he had been waiting all the while. And aside from the barest necessities for himself and Linli throughout the day, it was very possible that he had. Momentarily I dipped my head in apology, but then, eager as a new initiate, I grabbed the sleeve of his robe and tugged him toward his bedroom.  
  
"Obi-Wan...what...?"  
  
"Come, my master," I told him. "You must get Linli. I have something to show both of you."  
  
My enthusiasm was apparently contagious, because Qui-Gon headed straight for his bed, scooped a not-yet-sleeping Linli off the coverlet and followed me across the suite. I triggered the door to my room so that it would open, then motioned for him to go in ahead of me.  
  
As I turned the lights up, I saw his mouth tremble, saw a shiver run the length of his tall frame. And I knew I had done the right thing.  
  
"Oh...Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon's voice was choked. "Oh..."  
  
His hands shook and I feared he would drop the baby.  
  
"Here, Master, I'll take her." I easily plucked Linli from his shaky grasp and stood with her in the midst of the room's new decor.  
  
Suddenly, Qui-Gon's arms were around me, pulling me to him. Emotions rolled from him like steam in a hot spring and I was enveloped by them as much as I was enveloped by his embrace.  
  
"Have I told you lately what a joy you are to me, my Obi-Wan?"  
  
I blushed with pleasure at his words.  
  
"It is beautiful," he said. "Just beautiful."  
  
We looked around the room together, and I saw it through his eyes as if seeing it for the first time. The walls were as blue as a summer's day, with white wisps of clouds toward the top. Along the bottom of the walls ran grass and flowers, as green and colorful as the temple's Meditation gardens in summertime. The ceiling was as black as the Coruscant night; the silvery glow-paint I'd managed to find did very well as clusters of stars.  
  
Scattered around the room on the soft confetti-colored carpeting were a small dresser, a rocking horse, a large rocking chair, and a tiny cradle. Inside the cradle were pink sheets and blankets and a stuffed ewok, all donated by the masters in the creche nursery.  
  
"Obi-Wan..." The rough voice was a mixture of astonishment and sorrow. "When...? How...?"  
  
I smiled. It had not been easy, but then a Jedi's life was built around tasks which were not easy to accomplish. "A challenge, Master," I said, turning toward him with Linli still cradled in my arms. "Have you not always taught me that resourcefulness is a trait of a good padawan learner?"  
  
"But *carpeting*, Padawan?" Qui-Gon stepped from behind me and stood before me, gesturing at the floor in awe.   
  
Now I laughed. "*That* was the hard part, Master. The rest wasn't too terribly difficult.   
It's amazing what two quiet Council members and a stealthy padawan can do while one master and one infant are taking a mid-afternoon nap."  
  
"You smuggled in a room full of carpet while I was in the other room *sleeping*?" Qui-Gon asked incredulously.  
  
I ran my thumb over the back of Linli's tiny hand. "Yes, Master," I said a bit sheepishly. "And Master Windu has asked that I give you his apologies. The Force suggestion was only for a half hour and Master Yoda granted him permission."  
  
I didn't know what reaction to expect from Qui-Gon, but when he laughed aloud I knew he wasn't angry with me or with the other masters.  
  
Stepping forward he took Linli and I into a joint embrace. "I am touched by your thoughtfulness, Obi-Wan. And the selflessness you show in all you do makes me proud of you every minute of every day. You are truly the embodiment of what it means to be Jedi."   
  
In the shelter of his arms I felt like I was home. I wondered if I would ever feel that way again, with my new master or with anyone else.  
  
"Does your offer of dinner still stand, Master?" I asked, not wanting give up the moment but needing to break the tension. "I can't even remember the last time I ate." As if to emphasize the point, my stomach chose that moment to growl loudly...and Linli chose the moment to begin fussing.  
  
"It seems you are not the only one who is hungry, my Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, taking one last look around the baby's room. "Come, let us see what we can find to eat. Perhaps the Temple kitchen has sent up the special 'going away meal' I asked them to prepare."  
  
He turned and went out, leaving me to stare at his back, wondering again at the powers which had seen fit to place my path and Qui-Gon's side by side. And the powers which had chosen to have me sent away from him.  
  
* * *  
  
The meal Qui-Gon had arranged was wonderful. I had worked up an enormous appetite laboring on the nursery and with all my favorites dishes being served it was not difficult to find enough to eat. In fact, it was more difficult to make myself stop.  
  
The conversation through dinner was easy enough, with Qui-Gon commenting on the new room and asking various questions. I kept my own self busy remarking on the food and the amount thereof. But always at the back of my mind was the thought that this was our final meal together as master and padawan-and that it should have been spent talking about something more important than food and rooms.  
  
As I looked at the last piece of dessert on my fork, a representation of my last piece of time with Qui-Gon, my throat swelled and my chest tightened. Unable to even see the morsel through watery eyes, I quickly placed the utensil on my plate and excused myself from the table.  
  
"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon's voice was full of concern.   
  
I was acting like a child! Ashamed, I tried to release the feelings into the Force, but found that I could not. I knew my master would not willfully abandon me, but that's what it felt like.   
  
I turned around, suddenly brave enough to tell Qui-Gon what I was feeling, and found myself standing face-to-chest with him.  
  
"Master..." I began. "I'm sorry..."  
  
In an instant I was wrapped in strong arms and held, the hand rubbing my back telling me it was all right to feel this way.  
  
"This is difficult for me as well," Qui-Gon said sadly. "I will never have a padawan such as you again." He paused and stepped away from me, taking my face in his hands. "I will never have a padawan again."  
  
I was shocked. "But Master, I..." I was speechless . He was such a good teacher! Surely someone deserved to reap of his experience and knowledge. "After Linli is a bit older...?" I asked incompletely. "You know she will be an early candidate for the creche..."  
  
Qui-Gon shook his head, interrupting me. "No, my Obi-Wan. There will be no one after you. The Council has chosen to remove you from my care, and I can almost understand their motives, but I cannot go through it again.   
  
"The incomplete training of two padawans, for whatever reason, is enough to make me rethink the path my life is taking. Perhaps Azali was a sign. A sign that my future is to be shaped differently than I had thought. I will remain on Coruscant. I will care for Linli. I will teach if the Council wishes it. But I will not take on another padawan."  
  
As I was contemplating how I felt about my master's announcement, the door chimed. Qui-Gon ordered it open.  
  
Master Windu stood in the doorway, covered from head to toe in a perfectly-pressed light blue cloak. The clothes beneath it were light blue as well. Over one arm was draped another light blue cloak and a set of light blue undergarments.  
  
"For the ceremony," he said simply, holding them out to me. "They are expecting us in fifteen minutes."  
  
My stomach plunged. The transference ceremony! In all my rushing and worrying, I had forgotten about it.   
  
During the short ceremony, to take place in Council chambers, the training bond Qui-Gon and I shared would be severed, and a new bond would be created that would link me to my new master. Master Windu and I already shared a small link, formed out of necessity during our year together, but the new link would be much deeper. And much more permanent.  
  
* * *  
  
I walked between my master and Master Windu on the way to Council chambers, lacing my hands together inside the stiff sleeves of the blue robe and trying not to fidget. I felt odd in the new clothing that was so different in color and feel from usual Jedi apparel-and I was nervous. The entire Council would be there to witness the ceremony.   
  
/Easy, Obi-Wan,/ came the mind voice I knew I would not hear again after today. /They are only doing what they feel is best for you. And put that way, I find that I cannot disagree./  
  
I gasped, had to force myself to continue breathing. Qui-Gon sounded as if he were utterly convinced. I would *not* believe it. I refused to believe it. I would not give in to the thought that had been more prevalent in my mind than any other since Master Windu's announcement of the Council's decision. I refused to believe that Qui-Gon would agree to this willingly, would give me up without a fight...because somewhere inside he believed the Council was right.  
  
/No, Obi-Wan,/ Qui-Gon said reading my thoughts easily through our link. /You mustn't think that. I do not agree with their reasoning, and I cannot condone their actions, but the Jedi must place their apprentices first. That is what this is about. Many painful hours of meditation have made that much clear to me. The Council is trying to put your well-being and training above all else...and they are right to do so./  
  
/Master?/ I had thought to be over the feelings that had haunted me after they'd reached the decision to separate us. But now the sting of betrayal sliced through me anew.  
  
A warm pulse of reassurance flowed through our bond from Qui-Gon as we reached Council Chambers, but I found I could not return it. Utterly confused and not at all sure of what I believed in anymore, I strengthened my shields around my uncertainty and my fears. Dropping back as was proper padawan etiquette, I allowed Qui-Gon and Master Windu to precede me into the Chambers.  
  
* * *  
  
"Kneel before your master, you will, Padawan Kenobi."  
  
Master Yoda, although not part of the vote, was here by default, being the only Council member capable of performing the Transference. Following ritual, I removed my robe and handed it to my master. Slowly I knelt at Qui-Gon's feet, clad only in my tunic and leggings.   
  
Qui-Gon's hand came down upon my head, laying lightly against the short padawan spikes. Shuffling slowly over, Master Yoda put one hand over Qui-Gon's and the other on my shoulder.  
  
"Silence, I do, the training bond between this master, Qui-Gon Jinn, and this apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Determined by the Council, it has been, that benefit from the link both parties no longer do. Formed, today, a new link will be, bonding this padawan to another master until a knight he becomes."  
  
I suddenly became hyper-sensitive to the feelings and emotions swirling around me. I felt a hesitation in Yoda as he denounced our master/padawan bond. I heard an urge, an almost-shout in Qui-Gon's mind to refuse the Council's judgment. I felt my master's hand tremble upon my head, felt Master Yoda's fingers unconsciously squeeze my shoulder as he spoke. And when it was over, I was aware of something passing between my master and his own master, but it was too tightly shielded, too fleeting for me to perceive any more than that.  
  
Master Yoda's hands lifted away and Qui-Gon's hand soon followed, leaving me feeling strangely light-and sadly empty.   
  
"Rise now, you may, Padawan," Yoda instructed.  
  
I stood shakily, unsteady as a toddler, having to concentrate on keeping my legs from buckling beneath me. Appalled at my lack of control, I kept my eyes on the floor.  
  
In the second half of the ceremony, I would kneel before Master Windu as he would kneel before me. Forehead to forehead, we would proclaim the master/apprentice vows. Upon the formation of the training bond, we would be checked by Master Yoda, to be sure the bond was strong and to assure our physical wellness...and we would leave the Council Chambers as master and padawan.  
  
But knowing what to expect didn't make it any easier to accept. Taking a deep breath, I lifted my head and turned to go to Master Windu.   
  
Before I knew what was happening, my face was captured between two large, familiar hands and I found myself staring into my master's...Qui-Gon's...shockingly blue eyes. Warm lips softly brushed each of my cheeks and then my forehead.   
  
So that was it. Permission had been requested and granted for a final good-bye, when further contact between ex-master and ex-padawan was usually forbidden, at least during the ceremony.   
  
/Oh, Master, I.../  
  
It was an automatic, engrained response. But now the mind-thought went nowhere.   
  
With something akin to a white flash of light and a mental explosion that seemed to shatter my synapses, I was slammed backward, literally. I fell hard onto my tailbone, spots dancing before my eyes as electrical shocks of pain streaked through my back and legs. Stunned, I shook my head and blinked, as much to clear my vision as to clear my mind.   
  
"Obi-Wan!"   
  
I heard Qui-Gon's exclamation, but couldn't answer. The air had fled my lungs, leaving me breathless, and my heart felt as if it would beat out of my chest.  
  
"Silence!" one of the Council members ordered.   
  
But Qui-Gon refused.  
  
"Obi-Wan?" he asked, lines of concern creasing his face. He took a step toward me.  
  
"You will observe the traditional silence of the Ceremony!" another member demanded. "Or you will be escorted out!"  
  
I could not draw in a deep enough breath. Fighting for air, I felt like a fish cast out of the water.   
  
"He is in trouble! Surely you can see that!" Qui-Gon bellowed, closing the gap between us and kneeling down, reaching out.  
  
"Touch him, you will not!" warned Master Yoda. "Dangerous it would be for both of you."  
  
Panting, light-headed, I tried to dissipate the spasming of my lungs, but it only seemed to compound the problem. Panicked, I had but one thought: if they would not allow Qui-Gon to help me, I would die.  
  
For the first time since we'd entered the room, I became aware of Master Windu. He, like Qui-Gon, had been forced to maintain silence throughout the ceremony.  
  
"Allow me," Master Windu said almost apologetically to my...to Qui-Gon.   
  
When Qui-Gon showed no sign of allowing Master Windu to do any such thing, Master Windu insisted.   
  
"You must allow me to assist him, Qui-Gon," he said. "You will not be able to do so now."  
  
I had never seen such defeat in my master's eyes. Not when he had *been* my master.  
  
Master Windu knelt beside me, in Qui-Gon's place, as he had many times during Qui-Gon's absence. He searched my face, then motioned for Master Yoda to come quickly. The elder master did so, brushing past Qui-Gon as if he did not exist.  
  
With fingers and hands carefully placed, Yoda deftly opened pathways and made connections. In no more than a few seconds, the training link flared to life, leaving me wide-eyed and motionless. And still unable to catch my breath.  
  
/All is well,/ Master Windu said into my mind.   
  
I could not respond. My chest rattled and wheezed with each attempt I made to draw air.  
  
/Obi-Wan...I know this is a shock, but you will recover from it. You have my word. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and deeply. Concentrate only on your breathing./  
  
Master Windu's voice was hypnotic, soothing, as it whispered into my mind.  
  
/There. That's it. You're going to be fine. Just relax and breathe. That's right. Relax your lungs, your back, your muscles. Release your fears and uncertainty and allow yourself to breathe...just breathe. Yes, Obi-Wan. Breathe slowly and deeply."  
  
Weakly, I lifted my head as Master Windu talked me through the panic and confusion. His liquid brown eyes held nothing but compassion and understanding. Beyond them I could see Qui-Gon's blue eyes, filled with a suffering and hurt that made my chest begin to ache again.  
  
I tried to think of something calming, something to take my mind off what it wanted to do. Oddly, my thoughts turned to Linli. I was glad that Qui-Gon had her to occupy his days. It would mean less time for him to think about what had taken place here, less time for him to worry about me. In time, if he couldn't forget me, then at least the joy he took in Linli would overshadow the pain I had caused him here.  
  
I felt myself begin to calm at last. My breathing began to even out as I slowly gained control.   
  
Master Windu offered me his hand and after a moment's hesitation I took it. Standing was an agony, and I winced, but I refused to allow it to show on my face. The Council would get no more weakness or emotion from me.  
  
"Declare this ceremony at an end, I do," Master Yoda said, back in his Council chair once again. "Now, news regarding your first mission, we have."  
  
I nearly staggered where I stood. Mission? Master Windu was a member of the Council. He didn't *go* on missions. Were things going to change for him because he now had a padawan?  
  
"Head to Holleeah to observe the crowning of their High First One, you will. Leave in one hour, you do."  
  
One hour? No. It was too soon. I couldn't leave Qui-Gon like this. He wasn't ready. *I* wasn't ready...  
  
"Yes, Master," Master Windu answered for both of us. "My padawan and I will be ready."  
  
The title sounded strange in my ears, coming from someone other than Qui-Gon. I couldn't even look at my former master, for fear of what I'd find in his expression. Bowing to the Council after Master Windu, I followed him into the corridor and to our quarters, to pack and prepare for the trip.   
  
* * *  
  
There wasn't much that needed packing for a mission so short as the one we'd been assigned. Therefore, I was ready and waiting by the door of my new quarters in less than ten minutes.  
  
Master Windu came out of his bedroom, boots in hand, to find me with my traveling cloak on, duffel bag slung over one shoulder. "By the Force!" he exclaimed, feigning surprise but not trying to hide his smile. "I was afraid Master Yoda had not given us sufficient time to dress and gather our things, but now I see that he could have given us much less. You are to be commended on your efficiency, Padawan."  
  
I stood, burrowing the toe of my boot into the carpeting.  
  
"Why don't you relax, Obi-Wan?" Master Windu asked kindly, sitting down in a chair to pull on his boots. "Come here and keep me company for a bit. The time for our departure will be upon us soon enough."  
  
I sat because he had requested it of me. But when I tried to think of some topic for conversation, I found that my thoughts would focus only on Qui-Gon. And Linli.   
  
I would never again train with my master, never learn a new kata in the way that he taught it with such grace and unending patience during the times I just couldn't seem to pick up the skills quick enough. I would never again go on a mission under Qui-Gon's instruction, never sit by his side at another negotiating table, never find myself assigned to share another overly small cabin with him on a mission, with an overly small bed that caused my master's long legs and feet to dangle over the edges.  
  
I would not be there to know if Linli enjoyed her new room, would not be able to go to her in the early morning or after her nap to lift her from her new crib. I wouldn't be there to rock her in the rocking chair when she woke up crying and frightened in the middle of the night. I would not hear her first word...see her first step... I'd felt an attachment to her the moment she'd been born. Would she notice if I were suddenly not around anymore?  
  
"Obi-Wan?"  
  
I blinked back to the present to find Master Windu looking at me with concern.  
  
"M...M..." I could barely force the word out. "Master?"  
  
"Obi-Wan, it *will* be all right. You must believe me when I say that."  
  
I hung my head, ashamed to be so easily read.  
  
"Obi-Wan." Master Windu came to sit on the edge of the couch where I sat. He put a hand on my knee. "I can't claim to know what you are going through. Not many masters or padawans can. But I have no doubt that it is difficult."  
  
My eyes widened in surprise.   
  
"You will no longer be able to train with Qui-Gon, it is true," Master Windu said. "But when we are here at the Temple you may see him whenever your studies allow. It is not the Council's wish to keep you away from Qui-Gon...only to provide you with the best environment possible to continue your education up through your knighthood."  
  
I was grateful for Master Windu's understanding, but couldn't help wondering...Why was the place I'd grown up in, the master I'd spent the last ten years with, not the best possible environment? How could taking all of that away from me make things better?  
  
"You will need to let your meditations and your heart answer your questions for you, Obi-Wan," Master Windu said, either reading my mood or my expression. "And there is no rush. You may take all the time you need to acclimate yourself.  
  
"In the meantime," he said as he stood up, shouldering the bag he'd dropped beside his chair. "I think we should head for the hangar. We have a ship and a mission awaiting us, and we don't want to be late for our first assignment."  
  
* * *  
  
My legs felt like lead as I obediently walked with Master Windu to the hangar. The prospect of traveling to Holleeah would have intrigued me at any other time, but something just didn't feel right about it now. Master Windu had told me to listen to my heart...but my heart seemed to be telling me that if I boarded the ship, I would not be coming back here. Or at least not for a very long while.  
  
I stood on the platform inside the ship, onboard but not wanting to be. And so it was that at the last moment, as the doors were closing, I saw them. Qui-Gon and Linli. They stood just inside the launching bay's entrance, Linli cradled in Qui-Gon's arms. If only he had been a minute earlier! My mind cried out at the injustice of a ship that would not stop its take-off procedures long enough for me to run and say good-bye. And then something occurred to me: Qui-Gon had not meant for me to see them.   
  
The tightness in my chest flared and I tried to remind myself that this was difficult for him as well. He had been the master and I the padawan, but in this pain of separation, we were equals. If he wanted to see our ship depart, without having to deal with the highly-charged emotions a final farewell would have brought, it was his right.   
  
With one last look at the ship's closed door, I turned and walked away. There was something that bothered me. I had been accompanying my master on missions for ten years and now, for some reason, I felt as new to it as a Temple initiate. What was wrong?  
  
/You are human, my padawan,/ came the answer. /You are a person with faults and with feelings. And you are feeling uncertain and unsure, just as anyone beginning something new might feel./  
  
I headed for the source of the mind voice, feeling a connection to it that I hadn't before. I was just so empty...I needed something-or someone-to fill the emptiness. And, upon reflection, I found that if I could not have Qui-Gon as that someone, then I wanted it to be Master Windu. Tentatively, I broadcast the thought over our newly-developed training bond.  
  
/Oh, Obi-Wan.../ The voice was compassionate. /I am sorry for all you're going through. But you are a strong individual and I know you will make this transition./   
  
Yes. The adjustment would take time, and it hurt, but If Master Windu had faith in me, it was only fair for me to trust in him and return that faith. And to let either myself or Master Windu down would be to dishonor Qui-Gon's faith in me as well.   
  
The image of Qui-Gon and Linli in the hangar flashed into my mind again. But instead of casting it aside, I wrapped it up like a precious memento and tucked it safely into a corner of my mind. I couldn't afford to cling to it as I was so tempted to do, but it would be there when I wanted to look at it again.   
  
/Will you join me for evening meditation and a discussion of our mission, padawan?/ Master Windu asked.  
  
I was close to our cabin by then, and I accepted the invitation, letting Master Windu know I would be there momentarily.   
  
* * *  
  
Our time on Holleeah was nothing unusual. The ceremony was extremely short, the raucous celebration afterward extremely long. After six days of standing by, watching the First One and his supporters drink themselves into oblivion every night and sleep away their days, Master Windu contacted Coruscant requesting permission to return to the Temple.  
  
"Now, Master Yoda? But..." I heard Master Windu ask as I made a trip into the dining area with a pitcher of fruit juice for our mid-day meal. I returned to the kitchen for the plate of sandwiches.  
  
When I walked back in with the sandwiches and a large bowl of salad, Master Windu's voice was louder, demanding.   
  
"...and keep him away that much longer? I don't agree with this. It is true that he is strong, but no one should be forced to..."  
  
I stepped back into the kitchen one final time. They were talking about me. Of that much I was certain. But keep me away from what? And what didn't Master Windu agree with? I knew it was not polite to eavesdrop, but with Master Windu just in the next room the temptation was great.  
  
"...expect too much." Master Windu paused, and I could feel his frustration through our bond. "Very well. Please notify the Council of my opposition. I will log it myself upon our return to the Temple."  
  
I placed a basket of warm bread in the middle of the table and poured two glasses of the cold purple juice. Noon meal was ready. Expectantly, I stood behind my chair, awaiting Master Windu.  
  
When he turned away from the communications console, he was almost...stoic. Anger bubbled just below the surface of his thoughts, although he tried to smooth over the rough edges as he joined me at the table.  
  
"M...Master?" I asked, biting my lip as soon as I said it. Even after ten days I still occasionally stumbled over the title, much to my dismay. "Has your request been honored? Will Master Yoda allow us to return to Coruscant?"   
  
I prayed that their argument had been over something entirely different, and that our trip home was not the subject in question. I had made it well over a week without Qui-Gon, but I was beginning to feel the tiniest bit desperate. Even if I were not allowed to interact with him, I wanted to see him, to know he was well. Something in my heart demanded it.  
  
Master Windu sighed heavily.  
  
"I had no reason to believe we would not be returning to the Temple, Obi-Wan...but another request has been made of us. In the system adjacent to this one, two factions are locked in a heated battle over several kilometers of land. The area in dispute includes a sacred burial ground, which both parties lay claim to.  
  
"We *are* the closest pair of Jedi, but I am still not in agreement with the Council in their decision to send us." He pulled out his chair and sat down, indicating that I should do likewise. "I will be honest with you, Obi-Wan. You have done well on this mission. You have adjusted to the new situation more quickly than I expected. And yet...I sense the strain you are feeling."  
  
I flushed. I had hoped to hide it from him. But he was my master now, and knowing such things was his duty.  
  
"I did hope we would be allowed to go back home after Holleeah. My seat on the Council doesn't generally afford them the luxury of sending me away for extended periods. But now..."  
  
"Now you have me," I said miserably.   
  
"Oh, Obi-Wan...no." His face was filled with apology for the misinterpretation. "Never think that. You are not a burden to me; you are a joy. Having you in my life has made me stronger and more vital than I have been in many years! It is a wonderful thing to realize that after so much time sitting in stale Council chambers I have been given a fresh start, a hands-on, minds-on chance to make a difference again."  
  
"But...you make a difference every day, in your position as Councilor..."  
  
"It is not nearly the same, padawan. While it is true that our decisions affect large populations and have far-reaching consequences, being a Jedi master with an apprentice is something to which nothing compares. Being given one individual life to guide and shape and protect is the greatest reward any Jedi can receive. And you are that gift to me, Obi-Wan. Never forget that."  
  
I swallowed hard. He sounded so like Qui-Gon that for a moment it was almost as if I were back in my old life. But then the lonely, empty feeling I got whenever I thought of Qui-Gon came back, and I knew I would never have that old life again.   
  
Master Windu began to serve lunch, then, passing the dishes to me and encouraging me to partake of what would be our last meal on Holleeah. I had no desire to eat, but I filled my plate anyway, not wanting to worry him.   
  
I took a sip of juice and picked up my fork, moving the salad around in the sweet oil dressing. "Master Windu, did Master Yoda say how long he thought we would be gone?" I tried to keep the urgency from my voice, but there was a niggling at the back of my mind, demanding that I ask.  
  
Master Windu chewed quickly and swallowed, hand poised halfway to his mouth with a piece of bread. "He could not be certain, Obi-Wan. The dispute has gone on for more than three years, now. It will not be easy to convince both sides of the importance of not only sitting down to talk, but of making a decision which will benefit everyone. Master Yoda estimated three months, but I feel that that is overly optimistic."  
  
Three months! Or longer... My fork fell to my plate with a clatter and bounced to the floor, leaving several pieces of lettuce and dressing droplets in its wake. Embarrassment colored my face as I bent to retrieve the utensil.  
  
"My apologies, master," I managed. "I believe some time in meditation would be..."  
  
"Obi-Wan," he stopped me in mid-sentence. "Tell me what troubles you so."  
  
His voice was so kind and my mind was so full of confusion that the words tumbled out before I could stop them.  
  
"I'm going to miss Linli's Force-blessing ceremony in two weeks...and my birthday is the week after that..."  
  
Once I said it, I fervently wished that I could take it back. I sounded like a selfish, spoiled initiate only concerned with having my own way. There were never any guarantees about where a Jedi would be at any given time in his life, and many important occasions had to be sacrificed when duty called. I knew first-hand that Qui-Gon had given up much to hold his place as Jedi master. Why, suddenly, had I forgotten that I, too, must uphold the commitment?  
  
Master Windu looked at me then, as if taking stock of what lay in my mind and my heart. Something in his face said that he had made a decision.  
  
"We *will* return to Coruscant upon the completion of our next mission, Obi-Wan," he said with absolute certainty.   
  
I was shocked. "But the Council..."  
  
"We teach our young ones to listen to the living Force and do as their hearts tell them. And my heart tells me that after our upcoming mission, you will have earned a visit home. Is that acceptable?"  
  
My heart leapt with joy at the prospect of seeing Qui-Gon and Linli again. The anticipation of it, even though it was many long months away, made me dizzy.  
  
"Yes, Master Windu," I told him. "Thank you."  
  
"It is the least the Council can do," he answered, a slight frown creasing his brow. "But for now, when we're back aboard our ship, why don't you send a communication to Qui-Gon? He would be delighted to hear from you, I know, and," he gave me a knowing look. "It would do you good to talk to him again."  
  
I had been reluctant to send anything to Qui-Gon during our current mission, not knowing if it would be allowed and not trusting myself to speak with him so soon after our separation. But now that I had permission to do so, I found myself looking forward to it.   
  
* * *  
  
I sat, staring at the communications console, wiping tears of frustration from my cold cheeks with the sleeve of my robe. It was forever cold here. Master Windu said I would adjust, as I managed to adjust to all things, but we had been in this place two weeks and I wasn't getting used to the frigid temperatures.  
  
"So, padawan, what did Qui-Gon have to s..." Master Windu halted, mid-stride, taking in my tear-stained face.   
  
He'd come in so quietly I hadn't heard him, hadn't had time to turn away or formulate some excuse for my red eyes and wet cheeks.  
  
"Padawan? What is it?"  
  
'It' was the first visual communication I had received from Qui-Gon. We had sent several messages back and forth after Master Windu had suggested it, but they had all been audio-only. We'd yet to speak to each other face-to-face; I wasn't ready for it and Qui-Gon never pressed the issue. Then today's message had come, in both audio and visual. And I had fallen apart.  
  
I shivered and swiped my sleeve across my face again. "It's nothing," I told Master Windu. "Just another message from Coruscant."  
  
"A sad message?" He looked at me in concern.   
  
"No, master," I insisted. "Just a message. I'm fine, really. It's nothing."  
  
"This doesn't look like 'nothing', padawan." He reached out and touched my cheek, brushing away a tear I'd missed. "It looks like 'something.' Something that has disturbed you enough to make you ten minutes late to our scheduled sparring practice..."  
  
I gasped. I had forgotten all about our session. "Oh, master, I'm..."  
  
"...and which has upset you enough to drive you to tears. Surely anything that evokes this much emotion cannot be classified as 'nothing.'"  
  
I took a breath. I would tell him, but I would not lose control again.  
  
"Qui-Gon sent me the vid taken yesterday at Linli's Force-blessing."   
  
Linli had been born on the fifth day of the week, and so her blessing day had been set, keeping with tradition, on the fifth day of her fifth week. The vid had been filled with scenes of all the masters and padawans who had attended the ceremony, all smiling and taking turns holding Linli, beautifully dressed in a long gown of lavender lace.   
  
There had been cake and gifts to honor and bless Linli in her new life at the Temple and Master Yoda had given the Force blessing, just as he had at my own blessing day so many years before.   
  
"Ah." Master Windu nodded in sympathetic understanding.   
  
"I know he sent it because I couldn't be there, master," I said, lest he think me ungrateful. "I know he sent it as a kindness, with only the best of intentions..."  
  
"But seeing the vid has made you think about what you're missing back home, yes?"  
  
I nodded mutely.  
  
"Was there something else in the communication, padawan?"  
  
I hesitated, wanting to share my sorrow, and at the same time to keep it to myself. "He w-wished me a h-happy birthday," I managed at last, blinking quickly to suppress the tears threatening again. "He said my gift would be waiting for me whenever we return from Suundannar." I took in a shaky breath.  
  
"Now there's something to look forward to," Master Windu told me with a smile.   
  
"Yes, master," I answered obediently, wishing more than ever that I had not viewed the message chip Qui-Gon had sent.   
  
"Come, padawan," he said. "A workout and some shared meditation will benefit us both. Fetch your lightsaber and we'll see if the large exercise room is still available."  
  
"Yes, master," I answered again. I removed the data chip from the reader and tucked it carefully into the pocket of my tunic. Finding the lightsaber on the bed where I'd left it, I clipped it to my belt and followed my master out.  
  
* * *  
  
The two weeks turned into four, and the four into eight. My nineteenth birthday came and went, with no real significance other than the fact that I was a year older.  
  
The days were exhausting. Moreso, I thought, for Master Windu than myself. I sat by his side at the negotiations, accompanied him as we traveled from town to town talking to the people and trying to make them understand that peace was necessary to end the feuding.  
  
The nights were...difficult. In the evenings, Master Windu questioned me about my studies and led me in various katas and meditations. If it had not grown too late, I would be left to meditate on my own, as my master did so on his own. Meditations complete, we would retire to bed. And the dreams would come.  
  
At first, I had not been concerned. I had been taught that dreams were sometimes born of the things we feared, and somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I still harbored the fear of having been removed from Qui-Gon's custody. But the dreams, which began as bits and pieces of remembered time as Qui-Gon's padawan, quickly turned into much more.  
  
In my dreams, I could hear his voice, calling me. In my dreams, I could hear his voice in my head, as if he were speaking through our link. The link we no longer had. His mind voice called to me, urged me to communicate with him, but I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to jeopardize the training bond I now had with Master Windu, even in my dreams.   
  
At first, when I woke, the dreams would be gone. Sometimes I could not even remember what I had dreamed about and sometimes I could recall only wisps of the siren song that seemed to burn in my brain more brightly with each passing night. And soon the dreams began to come to me during the day, as well.   
  
"Obi-Wan?"   
  
Was it *his* voice in my mind? I turned my focus inward, listening for the one who had called to me.  
  
"Obi-Wan!"  
  
No, not in my mind. Real. Not Qui-Gon. I jerked my head up, deactivating my 'saber before I scorched myself, looked into the worried eyes of Master Windu.  
  
"Obi-Wan...I know this is a difficult drill, but you are doing very well. Much better than I did when I was your age and learning it." He smiled. "If you need a respite, we can go out for a walk and pick this up again tomorrow."  
  
"No," I told him, more fiercely than I'd meant to. "I'm fine. I wish to continue." I gave him a weak smile. "Please."  
  
Although at first he looked suspicious, Master Windu allowed our session to continue. My performance was no better than before and the mastering of the exercise continued to elude me. Finally, Master Windu put an end to the workout, trying to appear unbothered by it. But I knew I had disappointed him.  
  
As I showered, I thought about the voice I'd heard in the practice area. It was the first time Master Windu had been present during one of the daydreams, and it had shaken me. What would he do if he knew that his apprentice was hearing voices...having visions? What would he say if he knew his padawan was going crazy?   
  
He couldn't find out. I wouldn't let him. I would have to be careful. Master Windu had all but given up his work with the Council to take me as padawan, and I wouldn't dishonor his sacrifice by letting my dreams degrade and weaken the bond we had. I would need to work harder, try harder, meditate harder, to bar the dream-thoughts from my mind. There was something very wrong inside of me, but until I knew what it was I would need to be cautious.   
  
* * *  
  
Eight weeks turned into sixteen, and still the negotiations showed no sign of ending. Outwardly my studies went well and I was a proper padawan. I paid close attention to the talk from both sides and offered my master input whenever he requested it of me.   
  
My training continued and I surprised even myself as I flew through katas meant for padawans two or three levels above my current level. Concentration became a second skin to me; I concentrated on excelling as an apprentice, concentrated on narrowing my focus to the negotiations and my training. Only that and nothing else. But the images and voices in my mind were growing stronger and I was becoming mentally and physically exhausted from living two such different lives every day.  
  
* * *  
  
  
I looked at Master Windu expectantly as he walked into our temporary quarters on Suundannar. He had asked me to meet him after my evening meditation, but then had not been home when I'd arrived.   
  
"Master? You said that you had a surprise?"   
  
I looked around. There was nothing here that hinted at a secret; Master Windu had brought nothing in with him when he'd come. I was literally having to drag myself out of bed most mornings, the voice in my mind making sleep nearly impossible, but the prospect of a surprise had me almost dancing with excitement.  
  
"So eager, my young padawan?" Master Windu laughed. "Good. I don't see nearly enough of this side of you anymore. Perhaps I should plan surprises more often."  
  
The comment sobered me. Was my distress still so obvious? I added a lesson in control to my list of meditations for the evening.  
  
"Come now," Master Windu was saying. "We'll have no long faces here. I guess I'll just have to reveal my secret."  
  
I sat on the edge of the couch, expectantly, caught up again in the mystery despite of myself.  
  
"You are aware that in two days time the Suundannarians will be celebrating the Festival of the Rings."  
  
I nodded.  
  
"It will mean a complete cease-fire and no negotiations for the length of the festival, which lasts nine days."  
  
It was a relief to hear. The talks were becoming tedious, tempers beginning to fray. A break might be just the thing to allow everyone to step back and reflect.  
  
"And since we are three and a half days away from Coruscant, we should be able to make it there and back, with two days to spend at the Temple. Would you like to do that, Obi-Wan?"  
  
Coruscant! I was speechless. I'd longed for it for almost five months, dreamt about it. And now we were going back...going home.   
  
"Yes, Master," I answered eagerly. "Very much so."   
  
"Good, then it's settled. And I still mean to follow through with what I said before, Obi-Wan. After negotiations are finished here, we *will* return to the Temple. We both need some time back on our home soil."  
  
'Whether the Council agrees to it or not,' remained unspoken, hanging, like a shroud, over the rest of our conversation.  
  
* * *  
  
As we neared Coruscant, I grew increasingly confused. My mind told me one thing, while my heart told me another. I'd wanted so much to see Qui-Gon again, to be close to him and Linli again. But now that it was going to happen, I was unsure about it, torn between wanting to go back to what we'd had before...and knowing that I could never go back.  
  
The dreams seemed to lessen, as we got closer to Coruscant, which was a blessing in itself. Perhaps if the voices went with them, there would be no chance for me to slip up during my visit with Qui-Gon.  
  
When the door to our ship released and I saw Qui-Gon standing against the far wall as he had been the last time I'd seen him, my heart nearly stopped. Stumbling blindly down the ramp, I followed my master's cloaked back, unable to think of anything but the beautiful face I had waited half a year to see.  
  
"Mace, you're looking well."  
  
Master Windu stopped in front of Qui-Gon, taking the outstretched hand into his own strong grasp and shaking it warmly. He turned around expectantly, to find me all but hiding behind his cloak, suddenly timid. Stepping to the side, he put a reassuring hand around my shoulders.  
  
"Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon's blue eyes met mine and my stomach somersaulted.  
  
I felt a jolt of pleasure at his words and couldn't help but smile a small smile. "Master..."   
  
The color drained from my face at the mistake. It was habit. I was so used to it. But what would Master Windu think, if after all he'd done for me I still looked upon Qui-Gon and thought of him as my master?  
  
/He would think no less of you, padawan,/ came Master Windu's soft voice in my mind. /Your situation has been a difficult one and you have weathered it admirably. Where other padawans would have been bitter and angry, you have been strong./  
  
*But I was angry,* I thought. *Angry at the Council for taking me away from my master, angry at my master for appearing to agree with the Council's reasoning...*   
  
/Yes, you were angry, my padawan, perhaps a part of you still is, but your strength of character and your maturity have helped you to cope. I know you meditate on the sadness and loss you sometimes feel, but you don't let those feelings control you. It is a trait which moves padawan learners ahead in their training and makes good Jedi knights great./  
  
/Oh, master,/ I sent gratefully through our link. / Thank you./  
  
Master Windu sent a wave of reassurance through the bond. /No, thank *you*, Obi-Wan. You are a true joy to have as a padawan learner and I am honored to be your teacher./  
  
Out loud, Master Windu said, "Qui-Gon, would you have time to spend with an apprentice this afternoon? I would like to visit Master Billaba and her soon-to-be-knighted padawan. I'm sure the conversation and reminiscing would pale in comparison to time spent with you."  
  
My eyes widened as Master Windu actually winked mischievously at Qui-Gon. Both masters laughed at my reaction, unable to keep their faces straight.  
  
"Well..." Qui-Gon appeared to think. "I *could* use some help. I have a class of Beginning Levitation to teach to a group of precocious five year olds at fourteen hundred hours and my assistant is off-planet. And I was planning to take in a mid-afternoon meal and work out with Master Kentada, but he has fallen ill. Would the apprentice in question be useful for any of these things?"   
  
Qui-Gon's eyes sparkled with his teasing and I wanted to shout for joy and sob all at once. It was so good to be home.   
  
"Yes," Master Windu said with a smile. "The apprentice I have in mind is an excellent one. You will find him a hard worker and an eager learner. I think you'll be very pleased."  
  
I blushed slightly, both at what was being said...and what was not.   
  
Putting the humor aside, Master Windu turned to look at me. I could barely stop from bouncing on my toes. It was with great difficulty that I kept my feet flat on the floor.  
  
"It is your choice, Obi-Wan. If you wish to accompany me to Master Billaba's, you are welcome to do so. Otherwise you may spend some time with Qui-Gon. We have no plans for this evening, so you may meet me back in our quarters whenever you are finished."  
  
I was nodding my consent before he was finished speaking. "If you would give Master Billaba and her padawan my regards, Master," I said. "I think that I should like to stay with Qui-Gon. It will be nice to be back in the Temple with the other initiates and masters again."   
  
"Very well. And Qui-Gon if that is also acceptable to you, I shall take my leave of both of you."  
  
Qui-Gon nodded and gave me a warm look. "I'll return him before dawn," he said with a chuckle.  
  
Out in the corridor, Master Windu went one way, and Qui-Gon and I went the other.   
  
"Are you really teaching classes now, Mast...Qui-Gon?" I asked.   
  
"I really am, Obi-Wan. When the Council learned of my desire to teach, there was no end to the courses they sent my way. From second-year vessel mechanics to Senior Padawan 'saber drilling, I had a wide variety to choose from. The younger class simply felt like the right choice."  
  
"Master," I asked suddenly. "Where is Linli?"  
  
Qui-Gon smiled. "Linli has recently started spending one day a week in the creche nursery. As you know, they will accept her as an early initiate-candidate after her first birthday; this is merely a trial period to gauge her...reaction to it."  
  
The creche already? It did not seem possible. "And how is she doing?" I asked.  
  
Qui-Gon beamed with pride. "They say she is doing quite well. She is more alert and mindful than most infants her age, and the creche masters tell me they sense that she is very strong with the Force."  
  
"I'm so pleased," I told Qui-Gon. "You knew she had that potential even before she was born, didn't you?"  
  
Qui-Gon nodded slowly, as if thinking back to that time, which now seemed so long ago. "Yes," he said quietly. "I felt it in her even then."  
  
I matched Qui-Gon's pace and we walked in comfortable silence to the schooling area.  
  
* * *  
  
After a late lunch, Qui-Gon and I found ourselves in one of the workout halls. A light warm-up was followed by an equally light workout...until Qui-Gon asked to see some of what I was learning with Master Windu.  
  
"I must..." Qui-Gon said as he gulped in a shallow breath and sidestepped one of my thrusts. "..speak to Master Windu. He is obviously..." Qui-Gon looked up in amazement as I flipped neatly over his head, landing steadily on the floor and deflecting a blow. "...in need of congratulations."  
  
As if in demonstration of Master Windu's training methods, I spun around with a wide kick and knocked Qui-Gon's 'saber from his grasp. It clattered to the floor, the noise echoing in the high-ceilinged room. We both watched it trace a wide semi-circle on the floor before Qui-Gon put his hands up in mock surrender.  
  
"I concede," he said with a laugh, calling his lightsaber back into the palm of his hand.  
  
I had often bested my master during our 'saber drills, but not as thoroughly as this. He was actually breathing heavily.  
  
"I'm a bit out of practice," Qui-Gon said as if in answer to my observation. "With no padawan to train and only a group of five year olds to keep me on my toes, I'm afraid I've become a bit complacent."  
  
"Oh no, master," I protested. "You're still as good as ever. I was merely..."  
  
"Demonstrating-quite vividly-that you've learned a great deal in the last year and a half," came the reply.  
  
I closed my mouth and then opened it again. "I was going to say lucky," I told Qui-Gon sheepishly.   
  
"Possessing skills like that is not luck, my padawan," Qui-Gon said with conviction. "It is finely honed training and a lifetime of practice." He looked deep into my eyes, and I found myself falling into them. "You have come far, Obi-Wan. You've obviously taken your workouts and your studies seriously and it shows."  
  
I felt a momentary pang of guilt, thinking of how I'd thrown myself into my training only recently, after the dreams had all but taken over. A shudder went through me.  
  
"Obi-Wan?"  
  
Still sensitive as ever to my moods, Qui-Gon stood looking at me, a question on his face.  
  
I smiled brightly. "It's nothing," I told him. *How many times had I used that line recently?* I asked myself. *And how many more could I use it before someone began to doubt my sincerity?*  
  
The subject was dropped as a light flashed above the door, indicating that the room's next occupants had arrived.  
  
"Shall we call it an afternoon, padawan?" Qui-Gon asked as he wiped the sweat from his brow with the towel he'd brought. "It's nearly time to retrieve Linli, anyway. If you'd like, we can stop by the creche to get her and go for a swim. She is quite fond of the water...unlike a certain young initiate I once knew."  
  
I shuddered again, but this time it was in remembrance of the Temple swimming lessons I had loathed so much as a child. One of Qui-Gon's earliest memories of me, I knew, was of a terrified four year old with a death grip on the pool railing, kicking and screaming as two lesson masters and a knight attempted to pry him free.   
  
On the hot, dry planet where I'd been born, large amounts of water had not been plentiful nor visible. Qui-Gon realized that and after taking me as padawan, he had worked carefully and diligently with me to help me overcome my fear. I never became a water lover like my master, but I did find some level of comfort in the water, eventually.  
  
* * *  
  
The creche nursery was alive with activity. In every corner of the room, babies and toddlers stood, rocked, climbed, sang. Dancing to music, picking up toys, sucking on fingers, they created a Force signature that would have made even the gruffest of masters smile.  
  
Qui-Gon had stopped to talk to one of the creche masters and so I looked about the busy area, wondering if I could pick out Linli. In my mind's eye I pictured her as she had been when I'd last seen her. Red curls. Eyes of emerald green. Casting my eyes over the area, searching, I tried to imagine what she might look like now.  
  
A blonde youngster building with blocks. A girl with mousy brown hair dressing a doll. Two raven-haired toddlers playing with colorful clay under the watchful eye of a senior padawan. A nearly-bald infant, close to Linli's age, I thought, sitting up precariously, holding tightly to a green ball. A sprightly red-headed tot, placed in a seat in the doorway, bouncing happily up and down, laughing.  
  
*Linli?* I thought, even as almost certain knowledge of who the baby was swept through me.  
  
Suddenly her head turned, wide eyes glued to me.  
  
"Hi, Linnie! Hi, Linnie!" one of the toddlers shouted and waved as he passed by the jumper chair, pushing a pair of stuffed banthas along the floor.  
  
It *was* Linli. It had to be. But it was hard to believe. The infant who had been born so small and premature, whose wisps of red hair I had once curled around my little finger, was now a cherubic little girl with hair long enough to fasten up on top of her head like a rust-colored water spout.  
  
We were still staring at each other when Qui-Gon walked over, putting a hand on my arm. "Obi-Wan?"   
  
I looked at Qui-Gon, blinking, then looked back to see that the child had not broken eye contact. "Master," I asked in awe. "Is that her?"  
  
Qui-Gon looked from my face to Linli's and back again. "I knew it," he murmured. "I knew it was so."  
  
The master Qui-Gon had been speaking to walked up. "She remembers him, doesn't she?" she asked in quiet amazement. Qui-Gon nodded almost numbly.   
  
I stood frozen in place. She remembered me? After all this time? Surely it was not possible.  
  
"It is possible, my Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon answered my unspoken thought. "You were there at her birth. She and I had a bond almost from the moment she was conceived, but you are the first person she connected to, physically and spiritually, after she was born."  
  
While he was speaking, he went to Linli, picked her up, straightening the one-piece dark green romper she wore. She smiled a heart-breakingly beautiful smile, just for him, then lifted her head to gaze over his shoulder-at me.  
  
"Hello, sunshine," I said softly. "How are you?" For a moment, I thought she would leap from Qui-Gon's hold the way she was kicking her legs and waving her arms.  
  
"Look, Linli," Qui-Gon said as if she were ten and could understand. "Obi-Wan has come to visit. Shall we take him to the pool with us for a swim?" Another brilliant smile.  
  
"Well, then, let's go," he said, placing Linli in my surprised grasp and thanking the nursery attendants for watching her. I carried her as carefully as a fragile vase of flowers all the way to the pool and all the way back to temple living quarters.  
  
* * *  
  
Our two days at the Temple went by quickly. The time I spent with Linli and Qui-Gon was inexplicably wonderful, the hours alternately seemed to crawl by and fly. I tried not to get too used to things, tried not to become too attached to Linli, because I knew it might be many more months before I was allowed to return to Coruscant. But it was difficult.  
  
"Oh. Oh. Oh."  
  
As I knelt in meditation, I was aware of Linli lying on a blanket on the floor, babbling.   
  
"Oh...oh...oh...oh...oh..."  
  
Surfacing completely, I looked over to see her holding on to her bare toes and chanting-looking at me as if she expected me to answer.  
  
"Oh...oh...oh..."  
  
I was awestruck. Linli had many sounds in her vocabulary, but aside from dadadadada and mamamama I had not heard her voice any as clearly as this. I had a sudden thought. No...it couldn't be possible...could it?  
  
Experimenting, I made eye contact with Linli and smiled. Her face broke into an imitative smile. Slowly, I turned my back to her, leaving her staring at the hood of my robe.   
  
"Oh..."  
  
I kept still, remained as I was.  
  
"Oh."  
  
There was no mistaking it. The sound was said with imperative...a need to call attention.   
  
I turned back around just as slowly...and found Linli's eyes burning into mine.   
  
"Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon came into the room, pulling up short as if recognizing some important discovery being made.  
  
"Oh." There was no doubt now. The sound perfectly matched the tone of Qui-Gon's words. Linli was saying my name.  
  
* * *  
  
This time when Master Windu and I departed, Qui-Gon and Linli were there with me, to say a proper good-bye. A sweet, sloppy kiss on the cheek and a small, backward wave from Linli were my parting gifts. Tears stung my eyes.  
  
"Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon's voice was close beside me, but I couldn't turn to look at him. He held Linli in the crook of his arm, and I reached out to her. I concentrated on the feel of her hand wrapped around my finger, holding on tightly.  
  
Qui-Gon put a hand on my shoulder. "Obi-Wan, you do know that you can call me...contact me, if you ever need to talk... That I'll always be here for you..."  
  
I couldn't find the words to reply. It hurt to breathe. "I...I..." Linli's fingers fell away from mine, as if she could sense my distress and was puzzled by it.  
  
"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked.  
  
"Obi-Wan!" Master Windu called from the top of the platform. "We must be going."  
  
My heart beat wildly in my chest. I was being torn, pulled in two directions at once. The ship held my mission...but the temple held my life.  
  
"Obi..." I knew Qui-Gon felt my confusion and I knew I needed to get away before he discovered any more.  
  
"Yes, I know," I mumbled, barely able to hold my despair in check. "I know."  
  
Moving like an automaton, fists clenched tightly, I stumbled blindly up the ramp and into the ship. Once again, I was being forced to leave my home.  
  
Master Windu touched my arm as the doors closed with a loud hiss. "I know this is difficult for you, my padawan..."  
  
Something inside of me suddenly snapped.  
  
"You are *not* my master!" I exploded, breathing hard. "You never have been, and you never will be. The Force chose a master for me when I was nine, and it wasn't you."  
  
The look of pain that crossed his face was almost enough to make me sorry for my outburst. Almost.   
  
"Obi-Wan," Master Windu tried again. "Calm yourself and try to think rationally for a moment..."  
  
"No!" I shouted, my face as hot as my temper. "I'm tired of being calm, tired of doing as you wish...as the Council wishes! If you cannot understand that, then perhaps you can understand this: Leave. Me. Alone."  
  
I poured all of my energy into my shields, strengthening them until it was impossible to feel the Force currents around me, deadening Master Windu's signature in my mind. Turning on my heel, I fled the area, seeking only the sanctuary of the small room that would be mine for the length of the trip. Once there, I locked the door to the bedroom behind me, fell to my knees, shaking so hard I feared my very soul would shatter.   
  
* * *  
  
"Obi-Wan?"  
  
I had remained in my room for the length of our journey, not eating, not sleeping. Merely kneeling on the hard floor and attempting to meditate my feelings of insecurity and sorrow away. If anything, the displacement and anger were growing worse instead of better.  
  
"Obi-Wan?"  
  
I knew I could not avoid contact with Master Windu forever, but I didn't know what I would say if I were forced to confront him. I had acted horribly, and although I could still not understand what had caused me to behave in such a way, I was sorry for it.   
  
He had been vigilant these past days, allowing me the time I needed to understand and deal with what I was feeling. He could have forced his way into the room if he'd wished, but he hadn't. Whatever was happening to me, he had allowed me wrestle with it alone. Some tests of courage and strength took place outside one's knighting trials and good masters knew when to give assistance and when to step aside.  
  
"Obi-Wan," he said again through the closed door. "We are scheduled to arrive on Suundannar in six hours. If you have not yet reached a resolution of your feelings through meditation and fasting, it may be time to seek assistance."  
  
*A great Jedi knows when it is safe to proceed alone and when, even in his greatness, he must seek help.*  
  
The ancient quote flowed into my mind, either from my own memory or from Master Windu's. I could not be certain. I felt my reserves crumbling.  
  
"Allow yourself the help your body and mind crave, Obi-Wan," Master Windu soothed. "It is not a weakness, I promise you. Allow me to help you, please."  
  
I could feel his desperation now, his need to know what was happening, his determination to help me even though I showed no desire for it. Somehow, somewhere inside of myself, I knew that no matter what he did, it would not be enough.  
  
Sighing, I released the door lock with a nudge of the Force, and allowed Master Windu entrance.  
  
He did not gasp aloud, but the startlement I felt from him was the mental equivalent. For a moment, in his mind, I saw myself as he saw me: skin pale, clothes rumpled, eyes empty, dark circles beneath indicating my lack of sleep.  
  
"Obi-Wan, please," he said carefully, as if not wanting to frighten me. "Allow me to get you something to eat, some warmer clothes. You're shivering."  
  
Only then did I realize that I was, indeed, cold. This ship and the planet had always made me feel so. Cold to the bone. Cold to my soul.  
  
When I didn't move, Master Windu deftly removed the blanket from the bed and draped it over my shoulders.   
  
"Some broth, padawan?" he asked. "Would you like some broth and some crackers? Something light, to give you a bit of energy? Then we can talk."  
  
The words were more like a buzz inside my head than conversation. I heard them, but they barely made sense.  
  
Master Windu gripped my arm lightly, trying to help me up and onto the bed. Automatically, I pulled away, swaying precariously, dizzy. Suddenly, movement was not a choice. Wrapped in Master Windu's familiar Force signature, I was lifted and settled against the pillows, blanket tucked around me.  
  
As Master Windu went into the other room, presumably to replicate the broth, I began to get angry again. Why was this happening? Why did I feel this way? Why would the Force not let me understand my feelings and release my fear as I had been taught to do?  
  
"All very good questions, padawan," Master Windu said, easily reading my thoughts through shields which had become almost nonexistent in my weakened state. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he held the bowl of broth and offered me the spoon. "Perhaps we may find the answers together."  
  
I couldn't manage more than a few spoonfuls of the warm liquid. I attempted a bite of cracker, but found it dry and tasteless, like so much sand. My stomach churned, even with that little bit of nourishment, and the headache which had plagued me since our departure from Coruscant came back full force.   
  
Master Windu set the bowl aside. "I think we need to have a talk," he said.   
  
I hung my head.  
  
Master Windu lifted my chin with one finger. "Is there anything you wish to tell me, Obi-Wan?" he asked, his voice as gentle as before.   
  
"Yes, Master," I said. My voice was rough from days of non-use. "I wish to apologize for my behavior three days ago. It was inexcusable and I submit myself for whatever punishment you see fit." His hand gone, my chin dropped down again and I stared at the bed covering.  
  
He took in a long breath. "Obi-Wan...I do not wish to punish you. I only wish to understand what is going on, so that I may help you. Tell me what has been going through your mind."  
  
I had not expected him to be so understanding, so kind. After the way I had acted, it didn't seem right.   
  
"Negotiations with the Suundannarians are going to be more difficult than before," Master Windu said, seemingly changing the direction of the conversation. "If we are to work out a treaty, both sides are going to have to give something up, and I'm afraid that isn't going to please many of them. But I believe that we shall know, rather soon, whether an agreement can be reached. Perhaps in the next several days."  
  
I lifted my head. "You believe negotiations will end before the week is over?" I asked, not daring to hope.  
  
Master Windu shook his head. "End? No. But I do believe we shall soon know whether they will be successful. Once both sides can agree that there should be a treaty, then the negotiations of that agreement can begin. It may very well be many more months before the details of it are finally settled, if indeed they are settled at all."  
  
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, unable to hide the raw pain in my voice. I wanted nothing more than to be away from this place, to be back at the Temple, and Master Windu was discussing the possible addition of months to our stay.  
  
"I tell you, Obi-Wan," he said. "Because I want both of us to be at our best during this crucial stage of negotiations. We will need to rely on each other, to communicate with each other...and if there is unresolved tension between us, it will only be detrimental. To us and to our mission.   
  
"Help me to understand what you've been feeling, so that we may find some peace between ourselves. Only then will we be able to help the Suundannarians find peace."  
  
I wanted to tell him then. I longed to share the feelings of despair that had driven me nearly insane these last three days, to tell him about the visions that haunted my days and nights. I wanted to explain to him how the voices in my head demanded I listen to them, demanded the attention I should have been devoting to Master Windu and the missions.  
  
But it was so hard. And I was so confused. Still, I owed him more than the silence I had given him since we'd boarded the ship. I opened my mouth to speak, unsure of what I would say.  
  
/Would it be easier to tell me this way, Obi-Wan?/ Master Windu asked silently. /Perhaps using our bond would allow you to.../  
  
The pounding in my head, which had faded to a dull ache, suddenly increased ten-fold. I gasped, hands flying to my temples in an attempt to stop the pain. Doubled over, head on my knees, I heaved, emptying the contents of my already empty stomach, Master Windu reaching out to hold my shoulders as I rocked back and forth.  
  
/Master!/ I cried out. /Master, help me, please!/  
  
/I am here, Obi-Wan,/ came Master Windu's voice. /I'm right here./  
  
Again, my mind recoiled violently at the presence of his signature.   
  
/NO!/ My mind screamed of its own accord. /Master!/  
  
I felt Master Windu's touch in my mind, felt blackness enfold my body, wrap itself about my tortured mind. I struggled not to succumb to it, but its pull was impossible to resist. I fell into a deep, Force-guided sleep.  
  
* * *  
  
We arrived on Suundannar no closer to a solution than before. I was able to gain a tenuous hold on my emotions and feelings through meditation, but the upheaval, the uncertainty, between us remained.   
  
Neither of us understood what had happened, or why, but with the hectic schedule we were forced to keep and the pressure of the unfinished negotiations, it became easier and easier to lose ourselves in our work and not to examine too closely what had taken place on the ship.  
  
After our first week back, I had improved my shielding enough to project a bit of outward calm. Enough to stand by Master Windu in our negotiations duties. Enough to hide my nightmares...which were back and worse than ever.  
  
At the end of the second week, the Suundannarians had agreed to an uneasy peace. The hammering out of the treaty details was tedious and draining, with no end in sight, and I had to fight to get through each day with my sanity intact.   
  
I *had* to get back to Coruscant. I didn't know why, but I had to. The need to return to the Temple was so great it was almost all I could think about. My mind longed for it, thoughts of it flashed through my mind, voices rang in my ears. But I was committed to Master Windu and we were committed to our mission, and going back to Coruscant was not a possibility.   
  
* * *  
  
It was freezing outside. Again. On foot, we were accompanied by six of the Suun leader-delegates, heading to Dannar for a meeting with six of their delegates. The day promised to be a long one, and I was already exhausted.  
  
Dressed in the garments and thick cloak I always wore when Master Windu and I traveled from town to town, I was sweating. The Suundannarian air was cold and damp and the wind was relentless. And yet I was unbearably warm.  
  
Weaving down the road, I struggled to keep up. I walked behind the other seven, as was my place in the proceedings, trying not to call attention to myself as I wiped my brow with the sleeve of my robe. Force, why was I so hot?  
  
"Perhaps your apprentice could use a rest," one of the leader-delegates said. I didn't realize he'd spoken until the line of men stopped and Master Windu turned around to look at me. Glad for the hood that hid my flushed face, I stood up straight and attempted to even my erratic breathing.  
  
"Obi-Wan? Are you feeling well?" Master Windu had not attempted to use our training bond since the disastrous results of the last time he'd done so, but even without the link, he was sensitive to my moods.  
  
"Y...yes, Master," I managed to reply. "I am fine. Merely a bit winded from the uphill climb. Please, do not stop our journey on my account." If I had not been a young Jedi apprentice in the prime of his training, it might have been true.   
  
Clearly not convinced, Master Windu turned around after a time, and we began our walk again. I blinked as my eyes played tricks on me, painting flashing colors over everything, turning things suddenly black and white and then fuzzy around the edges.   
  
I stumbled more than once, my footing unsteady and unsure even though the ground beneath me was smooth and flat. Yet whenever Master Windu glanced back over his shoulder, I somehow managed to be satisfactorily upright, with one foot moving in front of the other.  
  
As we approached the city limits, my legs began to feel like lead pipes. Each step was harder than the last, and my heart pounded in my chest from the exertion. Despite the rivulets of sweat trickling down my back and neck, I shivered violently.  
  
The shudder that wracked my body threw me off balance. Arms and hands tucked into my sleeves, unable to catch myself, I landed with a grunt on the hard, dusty ground.   
  
"Obi-Wan!" Master Windu and the others in the party were down on the ground at my side in a matter of moments.   
  
I couldn't answer. The breath, which had been knocked out of me, flowed back into my lungs in bits and pieces, making me gasp and wheeze. Disoriented, I lay in the dirt, desperately trying to recover.  
  
Deftly, Master Windu's hands traversed my body, searching for twists or breaks, cuts and bruises. Finding none, he gently turned me onto my back.  
  
"Padawan, I want to help you," he said, as he absently traced my cheekbone. "But you must help me. Tell me what I can do."  
  
I closed my eyes, both to block out the worried faces looking down at me and to concentrate on Master Windu's voice.   
  
"Please, Obi-Wan. What is the matter? Where does it hurt? Is it your head again?"  
  
There were too many questions, too fast. I couldn't answer them. My eyes flew open, as the horror of what was about to happen hit me a second ahead of my reaction to the overstimulation.  
  
A dozen hands were suddenly upon me as my body convulsed helplessly on the cold ground. Again. And again. My arms and legs felt numb, my back and neck were pulled so taut I thought they would snap. And still the convulsions continued.  
  
"Desrin!" one of the leader-delegates shouted. "Run ahead and fetch a healer! Tell him if we can't bring the boy to him, he'll have to come to us."  
  
Gentle hands were placed beneath my head and neck. I recognized Master Windu's touch. Another set of hands held my shoulders, not forcing the tremors to stop but making them easier to bear.  
  
I took a shuddering breath, felt my stomach contract and lurch. I began to wretch and it took only seconds for the others to realize what was happening. Quickly I was turned onto my side, head held securely, as I vomited unendingly into the soil.  
  
"We must get him to the healer!" Master Windu told the men. "If he cannot walk, we will carry him. He needs medical attention now."  
  
I had no control over my body, couldn't have hoped to stand, let alone walk, which they quickly discovered. As I gasped out in pain and terror, I was lifted into strong arms and rushed toward the city.   
  
* * *  
I came awake slowly, feeling as though I were deep underwater.  
  
/Obi-Wan./  
  
A distant voice echoed in my mind.  
  
"...doing what I can...him," a voice said. "But I'm...suggestions..."  
  
I was lying on something much softer than the dry ground. Somewhere warmer than the outside. My stomach hurt and my head ached, but the convulsions had ceased.   
  
/Obi-Wan./  
  
"...unresponsive...listless. ...healer...no help. I need...Temple. ...need Qui-Gon."  
  
/Obi-Wan!/  
  
The mind voice grew more insistent.  
  
Qui-Gon? I surfaced, the name on my tongue. "Qui-Gon...?"   
  
Master Windu's voice faded as he turned in my direction. "Obi-Wan?" he asked almost desperately.   
  
I felt my eyes rolling back into their sockets again, felt heavy lids drop closed over them.  
  
"No, Obi-Wan! Don't!" Master Windu demanded, as if I could comply. "Don't you dare go under again!"  
  
I was deliriously hot. Fevered flames licked my face, burning my skin. I didn't lose consciousness, but with my eyes closed tight I knew he couldn't tell.  
  
"...an emergency, Master Yoda!" Master Windu growled into the communications console. "What?"  
  
There was a unusually long silence as the voice on the other end droned on. "Oh, Force, no."  
  
My skin felt as though it were scorched. Surely I would not survive this.  
  
"No...no..." Master Windu was saying, as if he did not believe what he was hearing. "She...fever? ...unresponsive? Could it be...same...affecting them? ...how?"  
  
She? Who was Master Windu...? The answer hit me like a slap across the face. Linli!  
  
/NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!/ my mind screamed before I knew what was happening. /Nooooo!!!! Linli!! Nooooo!!!!/  
  
"...would if I could. Can't...impossible to...negotiations now. ...months...work...for nothing...so close..."  
  
It was the last I heard as everything went dead around me. Once again I was plunged into darkness.  
  
* * *  
  
I could hear voices. I struggled to quiet my mind, to listen to what was being said.  
  
"Left him alone, you have? See him I must."  
  
"I have been by his side since I spoke with you, Master Yoda," Master Windu sounded hurt. "The delegates have been most tolerant."  
  
"But wait forever they will not," Master Yoda said with understanding. "Know that well, I do."  
  
"No, they won't," Master Windu agreed. "The peace is still an uneasy one, and I fear that until the treaty is drawn up and signed, there is still a chance for an uprising."  
  
Master Yoda was here. Were we back on Coruscant? No...Master Windu was discussing the treaty. Our mission. Was I dreaming?   
  
I opened my eyes, squinting in the brightness as the world came into semi-focus around me. I was in the bedroom I'd been assigned to while we were away. I wasn't dreaming. Master Yoda was here on Suundaanar.  
  
Slowly, I sat up, the muscles in my back and neck protesting loudly. Raising a shaky hand, I folded back the covers and swung my legs carefully over the side of the bed. Already breathing hard, I grasped the nightstand beside the bed and pulled myself to my feet.   
  
I swayed, fighting a wave of vertigo, somehow managing to keep my legs under me. The door to my bedroom was open, but it seemed despairingly far away. Staggering in the general direction of the voices, I fell against the door frame, clutching it with fingers that felt half asleep.  
  
"Can you tell me more about Qui-Gon's daughter?" Master Windu asked. "When did the symptoms start? How long has she been ill? Have the healers been able to diagnose anything?"  
  
Master Windu paced back and forth as Yoda leaned on his walking stick, watching him in obvious exasperation.  
  
"Irritable, she has been, since your departure from Coruscant. Unsettled in spirit she has been. Only days ago did she manifest symptoms. High fever, she has. High enough to cause convulsions, it was. Very sick, she is. Mmm, very sick. And no cause can the healers find."  
  
Force...it was impossible. Wasn't it? That Linli could be sick with whatever was affecting me was hard to believe. But I had spent most of my leave time with Qui-Gon and Linli. It was possible that if I'd contracted something I had passed it on to her before I'd left.  
  
*Linli...*  
  
Suddenly the voices in my head were back, crowding out the conversation in the next room. I closed my eyes and willed them to go away, but I couldn't make them stop. As spikes of pain lanced through my head and exploded behind my eyes, I let go of the doorway, clutching at my temples. Oh, Force, it hurt!  
  
Moaning, I fell to the carpeting, unable to acknowledge the masters who came running to my aid. I was too far gone to respond and I only wanted to be free of whatever it was that held me in its clutches.  
  
* * *  
  
"Padawan, wake up. You have been asleep long enough." I felt a light tap on my fevered cheek. "Obi-Wan, wake up, please." The tap turned into a sharp slap when I didn't respond. Of their own accord, my eyes popped open.  
  
"That's it, Obi-Wan!" Master Windu said, leaning over to soothe my stinging cheek even as he spoke. "I knew you could do it. Now stay with us."  
  
A hand on my chest, gauging my heartbeat. A light shone into my eyes, checking the pupils. A hand on my forehead, seeking entry, access to my memories and thoughts.  
  
I kicked my legs, thrashed out with my arms, wanting only to make the invasion into my mind stop. On some level, I knew the contact wasn't threatening but the pain of it was excruciating. My mind felt as if it were being turned inside out.  
  
/NOOOOO!! Stay out! My mind, my link, is with...with...nooooo!!!!!/  
  
"High, his fever is," I heard Master Yoda say. "Delirious he is. The sign, a fever is, of deeper infection."  
  
"Are you saying Obi-Wan has contracted some sort of disease?" Master Windu asked, his concern clear.  
  
"Saying that I am not. Infected a mind can become, diseased, if not given what is necessary to keep it healthy."  
  
Infected? My mind?   
  
I heard the words even as I felt my eyelids grow heavy, blackness crowding out my vision. The pain in my head was too much to bear.  
  
There were hands on my shoulders, shaking me awake. "Obi-Wan, it's very important that you remain awake. Do you feel able to sit up? Perhaps that would help."   
  
I tried to shake my head no, but the same strong hands and a blanket of Force lifted me until my back rested against the pillows and the bed's ornate headboard.   
  
Master Yoda came to stand next to the bed and Master Windu sat down beside me. Somehow, having my hands held between his helped me to focus a great deal better.  
  
"Can you answer a few questions for Master Yoda?" Master Windu asked. "He may be able to help you, but you must first fill in some missing data for us."  
  
I took a shaky breath and nodded.  
  
"Experienced dreams, have you? Visions?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Heard voices in your mind, have you? Voices which were not Master Windu's?"  
  
I hesitated, then nodded.  
  
"Know, do you, who the voices belonged to?"  
  
No. I would not tell him that. I wasn't even sure. It couldn't have been true anyway. Dropping my eyes from his gaze, I shook my head.   
  
"Hmmm..." he said, as though he did not believe me. "Tell me, can you, when began these visions?"  
  
I could feel Master Windu's eyes upon me. Not even he was aware of when the dreams had truly begun. I was not even sure I did.  
  
"After our arrival on Suundaanar..." I told him quietly. "That's when the dreams started..."  
  
"Feel something before the dreams began, did you?" Master Yoda pursued steadily. "Mental disorientation? A feeling that go on the mission you should not? An urge to return to the Temple?"  
  
How did he know? How could he know? That was almost exactly how it had been, from the moment we had boarded the ship to Holleeah. The minute the transference ceremony had ended. The transference ceremony...the transference...the...  
  
Slowly, haltingly, I gave a shaky account of what I had seen and felt since leaving the Coruscant. I told Master Yoda of the voices that had become so difficult to separate from reality and of the dreams that had come to me first in the night and then while I was awake. I described to Master Yoda the torture of trying to concentrate on the drills and meditations with Master Windu while the voices in my mind threatened to destroy every ounce of my sanity.  
  
"I thought...I was going...crazy," I said finally putting a hand on my chest in an attempt to still my racing heart. Force, I was winded, breathing in shallow gasps as I finally shared my secrets. The telling had taken a lot out of me, but the relief I felt overshadowed it.  
  
"Crazy, you are not," Master Yoda said so dryly that I would have found it humorous under less serious circumstances. "Know, do you, who the voices belonged to?" he asked as he had earlier.   
  
/Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan./  
  
"No!" I said angrily. "I don't know..."  
  
/Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan./  
  
The voice echoed in my head, crashing and pounding like waves against a break wall.  
  
"It's happening again!" I heard Master Windu shout. "The voices are speaking to him and he hears only them." My forearms were gripped and held tightly. "Obi-Wan? Are you still with us?"  
  
"Focus, you must, padawan. Stop it, you cannot, but quiet it you can."  
  
I could see the two masters, small and far away in my tunneled vision, but I couldn't obey their wishes.  
  
"Obi-Wan! Stay with us! Can you feel my hand in yours? Concentrate on that. Squeeze my hand if you can understand what I saying."  
  
My teeth chattered as waves of hot and cold warred for dominance in my bones.  
  
/Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan!/  
  
The voice in my mind began to overwhelm anything in the outside world. I could hear the two masters speaking but I could not respond, so all-consuming was the powerful chant.  
  
"Sith! We've got to do something! If he goes under again, I'm not sure he'll ever come out of it."  
  
"Back to the mind healers on Coruscant I must get him," Yoda said urgently.   
  
Almost immediately, I was Force-wrapped in the blankets from the bed.   
  
"Know now, I do, what has happened," Master Yoda muttered under his breath. "Damaged, the bond has been. Damaged greatly, but not beyond repair if return him quickly to the Temple I can."  
  
"The bond? There is something wrong with our training bond?" Master Windu asked fearfully, guilt pouring off him.  
  
"With your bond, no," Master Yoda said cryptically. "Another problem there is. Signature marking, have Padawan Kenobi's symptoms and reactions. Signature of a much deeper bond. Mmm...much deeper it is, and damaged badly."  
  
"Deeper...? But...Oh..." Master Windu words were fragmented. "Unknown to both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan! And with Linli as an additional element in the equation... Force! In two who are unaware of its presence...oh, gods..."  
  
* * *  
  
"Just call to him as you would to wake him up."  
  
"Padawan...Padawan, wake up."   
  
I came to consciousness with a start, immediately aware of many things. My head no longer hurt, the voices in my mind had ceased, and the Force had a familiar signature to it. I was home.  
  
"Easy, Obi-Wan," the voice beside me said with a delighted laugh. "It's all right now. Everything is going to be fine."  
  
"Master Windu?" I asked, my brain still clouded with sleep.   
  
"Obi-Wan, open your eyes and look at me," the voice said gently.  
  
With great effort, I turned my head and opened my eyes.  
  
"Master!" I exclaimed, unable to hide my joy and relief. "Master! You came! I didn't think you would come." I stopped to think. "Does the Council know you're here?" I asked, lowering my voice. "Or did you leave without their permission...again?"  
  
The laugh was back. *You* came to *me,* my padawan," Qui-Gon said. "Do you know where you are?"  
  
Captivated by his face and his voice, I found I could not answer.  
  
"You are in the healing chambers on Coruscant," he told me. "Master Yoda brought you here from Suundaanar. You were very ill."  
  
Shame at my failure swept through me and I shivered, cold again.  
  
"Oh, master, I tried! I tried! But it was so difficult and I felt cold...dead ..."  
  
"Obi-Wan..."  
  
The past months had been something of a blur, but I clearly remembered my humiliating attempts to be something I simply could not be: Master Windu's padawan.  
  
"I was not the kind of padawan for Master Windu that you would have been proud of." I turned my eyes away from him. "I allowed my thoughts and feelings to get in the way of my duties." My throat burned as I forced the next words out. "Am I to be taken away from him, too?"   
  
"No, Obi-Wan, stop." The pain in Qui-Gon's voice and his hand on my arm effectively silenced me.  
  
Qui-Gon motioned to the healer standing at the foot of the bed, observing.  
  
"Would it be possible for me to have a few minutes alone with Padawan Kenobi?" he asked.   
  
The healer nodded in understanding and took his leave of us.  
  
Qui-Gon sat on the side of the bed.   
  
"I'm sorry, Master," I told him.   
  
"Oh, Obi-Wan..." My shoulders were lifted and I was held in a tight embrace. Gently, Qui-Gon stroked my hair. "It wasn't your fault. None of it," he said. "Do you know why you had such dreams...heard voices in your mind?"  
  
I shook my head no. Truthfully, I had no wish to think about it anymore.   
  
"We still have a bond between us, Obi-Wan. A strong and stubborn bond which refused to be silenced even after the Council deemed it necessary."  
  
"But...the transference..." I said in confusion.  
  
Qui-Gon shook his head. "The transference ceremony succeeded in taking the most basic part of our link and transferring it, adding it to the small link you already shared with Master Windu.   
  
"But the link you formed with Master Windu was more of a secondary link...a bond overlaying the bond you and I shared. The training bond formed between you and Master Windu masked the true identity of our bond, making it appear that the transference had been successful."   
  
"Master, I don't understand," I said, feeling inadequate for not being able to grasp what he was saying.  
  
"In effect," Qui-Gon explained patiently. "The new training link allowed you to function as Master Windu's padawan, while buried deep beneath the surface of the shallow link lay the impulses you should have felt from the bond we still shared. When you experienced the dreams and voices, the healers believe it was a reaction to that bond attempting to reassert itself."  
  
I drew in an unsteady breath. "It sounds so unnatural, like I was nothing more than a biology experiment!" I told him in despair. "It was happening to me-*to me*-and I couldn't even feel it! It could have killed me and I wouldn't have known the difference..." The queasiness was back in my stomach and I could feel the start of a headache blazing behind my eyes.   
  
"Oh, no, padawan, it was never like that. Shhh... There, that's it," he whispered. A light touch on my face blocked the pain and the butterflies. A strong hand began to rub my back and I felt myself relaxing almost enough to fall back to sleep.  
  
"You are so precious to me, my Obi-Wan." The voice came so quietly to my ears that I almost missed it. The kiss that fell, feather-light against my temple, I didn't miss.  
  
"Master?" I asked groggily. I was falling into the circular rhythm, barely able to respond coherently, although I felt a great need to do so.  
  
"Sleep now," Qui-Gon said soothingly. "I will be here when you wake and then we will talk about what has happened."  
  
I mumbled something about not wanting to sleep, but then was aware of nothing else.  
  
* * *  
  
As usual, I was aware of the voices around me before I came completely awake.   
  
"...fever has dissipated. ...sleeping without aid of the Force now. ...take her home today...resilient little girl..."  
  
"Thank you...all you've done. ...Obi-Wan?"  
  
"Physically? ...fine...Mentally? ...Council will...speak...regards to...bonding..."  
  
Bonding! My skin began to tingle and my nerves sizzled with electricity. Qui-Gon had said we were still bonded! Would that it were true! I felt Qui-Gon hurry to my bed before I saw him. His presence was like beam of light cutting through the darkness.  
  
"Obi-Wan." His voice was like silk. "How are you feeling?" He took my face between his hands-and my mind exploded.  
  
Colors...words...feelings...thoughts...ideas...emotions...flashes of visual memory...  
  
In shock, I blinked rapidly and gasped for breath. I began to feel lightheaded as my mind was filled with dark blacks and grays which burst into bright rainbows of color. They burned my retinas, took away my ability to think, to breathe, to see. Panting, I clutched blindly at Qui-Gon's robe. I felt as though I were dying.  
  
"Dying? Oh, Obi-Wan, no!" The cushion of Force that surrounded me radiated comfort and serenity...and love. The clamoring in my brain receded slightly, and I took several shaky breaths, still unable to draw enough air into my lungs.   
  
"Then...what...?" I struggled to ask.  
  
"A soulbond, Obi-Wan."  
  
Any oxygen I'd managed to bring in quickly fled my body. I was stunned beyond comprehension.   
  
"A..."   
  
"Yes, my Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon answered my unasked question with a warm smile.   
  
"Master Yoda suspected it on Suundaanar, and the healers here have confirmed it. We had the beginnings of a soulbond when the transference ceremony took place, and although its presence wasn't enough for us to be aware of it, our forced separation was enough to create a physical tear in your mind." His voice became hushed. "We almost lost you, Obi-Wan."  
  
"Linli!" I gasped, as I remembered Master Windu's conversation with Master Yoda. "What happened to her?"  
  
A hand running up and down my arm soothed my shattered nerves.  
  
"She is fine, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon told me. "The healers believe that her extended contact with you during your visit created a sympathetic link between the two of you. After you left, everything you felt and experienced was echoed in Linli. When you became weakened and ill from the effects of the soulbond's displacement, Linli became ill as well. That's why the healers could find no cause for it here or in her. It was not truly in her. It was a reflection of you. In the same way, the 'voices' you were hearing in your head were likely fragments of memory from our training bond."  
  
It was unlike anything I had ever heard. Jedi who formed soulbonds usually did so knowingly or made a mutual decision and allowed the Force to act upon it. If Qui-Gon and I had that kind of a bond, the Force had guided its creation...and that made it powerful, indeed.   
  
"Yes, Obi-Wan, you see now," Qui-Gon said. "Not even the Council can deny a soulbond."  
  
"Their decision...will be reversed?" I asked, not daring to hope.  
  
"Their decision is a moot point, now," Qui-Gon answered, with just a hint of bitterness. "There is enough evidence to prove that the soulbond was present even as the Council was ordering our separation.   
  
"Even Master Yoda has agreed that your violent reaction to the transference should have been cause for the Council to examine our connection more closely. There have only been a handful of cases where a soulbond has developed without the bonded couple knowing, but transference ceremonies are usually quick and uneventful. The fact that you experienced any sort of pain during our separation should have been enough to make someone on the Council look harder at what was happening.  
  
"I regret that *I* did not force the Council to examine the situation in more depth. I believe I will always feel guilty for that. But Master Yoda and the healers have said that although I did not react as harshly as you to the stress placed upon the soulbond, I *was* affected."  
  
He paused, as if gathering his thoughts.  
  
"If it had been only the two of us, Obi-Wan, the healers believe the effects of the threatened soulbond would have been much more obvious. But Linli's presence changed things. Caught as she was between the bond we shared, she took much more of the impact than I. And I had her to concentrate on, to care for, to heal. I had a physical presence to help me, and you had..."  
  
Qui-Gon choked back the last word, but I knew what he'd meant to say. I looked up into his face, seeing such despair there that it crushed the breath from my lungs. Finding his hand, I squeezed it in silent support.  
  
Finally he went on. "Linli absorbed much of what I should have been feeling, unknowingly reflecting it back to you along the connection you'd formed with her. I felt her pain and her confusion, nursed her through the fever and the convulsions, but I was never ill as you were. In essence, you experienced enough for both of us. And for that I am truly sorry."  
  
I was dazed. It explained so much. My confusion, the voices, the dreams. The dreams. My face flushed at the thought. Would I ever be brave enough to tell Qui-Gon what the dreams had truly been about? Perhaps, one day, I would.  
  
"Obi-Wan? Are you feeling all right?" His voice was concerned as he laid the back of his hand against my forehead.   
  
"Y-yes. It's just so...so much to think about," I answered. For the most part, it was true.   
  
"I understand," Qui-Gon said. "It is for me as well."  
  
"Master Windu?" I asked, wondering how I could have forgotten about him. "What is to happen to him now?"  
  
Qui-Gon ran a hand through my hair. "He has been notified by the Council of the healers' findings and he will have any remnants of the training link removed when he arrives back on Coruscant. There should be no residual damage to him in regards to the bond between you...as there never really was a permanent bond, in the truest sense of the word."  
  
My throat constricted. "But...he thought there was," I said chokingly. "*I* thought there was." The revelation would have hurt him immensely. "Did you speak with him?"  
  
"Yes," he said softly. "I did. At length. He sends his wishes for a quick recovery, and hopes you will at last find the peace you were seeking."  
  
"Did he..." I began. "Did he know something was wrong with our link?"  
  
Qui-Gon held me tightly against his chest. "He suspected that something was amiss from the onset, but couldn't argue with the Council's decision at that point. He didn't know about the soulbond, but he was the one who contacted Master Yoda when things began to get out of control."  
  
"Is he...mad?" I asked.  
  
"At you, Obi-Wan? No, never! At the Council? Well...let's just say that when he finishes his work on Suundaanar in the next couple of months, they are going to have to set aside several Council sessions to hear all that he has to say on the subject." I could feel him smiling at the thought.   
  
"I wish I could tell him how sorry I am that he had to go through all this," I said softly.  
  
"Obi-Wan, Mace and I have been friends since we were padawans. I will never know just how he feels about what has happened, but I do know this: throughout the last year and a half, Master Windu has enjoyed having you as a part of his life. He has also felt that the Force might have other plans for you. He believed, unequivocally, that you must go where you were meant to go. And now that the Force has made that decision, Master Windu will accept it even though it may hurt him to do so."   
  
I remained quiet for a long time, thinking back to the time before the Council's decision. Back to the time before Qui-Gon had returned from Azali. Master Windu had never taken over Qui-Gon's place in my life. He'd made certain I knew that. He had always maintained that he was simply doing my master's job until he could return and do it himself. Perhaps, even then, he had known my life was meant to be spent with Qui-Gon.  
  
"Do you feel up to going back to our quarters?" Qui-Gon asked, leaving the discussion for a later time. "The healers have given me permission to take Linli home this afternoon, and I'm sure I could convince them to allow you to leave as well, if you feel well enough."  
  
"To *our* quarters?" I asked in disbelief. When I'd left with Master Windu, 'our' quarters had no longer existed. And my room was now Linli's. "But..."  
  
"Sleeping arrangements not withstanding, of course," Qui-Gon said, following my train of thought. "I suppose we could request a cot and set it up in the corridor..." he teased. "Or we could gather some blankets and you could sleep on the floor in Linli's room. I'm sure she wouldn't mind."  
  
I turned red again, somehow knowing where I would be sleeping from now on. Our new situation was as awkward as it was wonderful.  
  
"Shall we go find Linli and return to our quarters?" Qui-Gon asked, getting to his feet.   
  
"Yes, Master," I told him. "I would like that very much."  
  
* * *  
Epilogue:  
  
As the last master and padawan left our quarters, I slid my arm around Qui-Gon's waist and sighed as he placed his lips against mine. Linli's first birthday party had been a success, but it had been a long day and I was more than ready for some time alone with my soulmate.  
  
Something rolling over my foot drew my attention to the floor. Smiling brightly, Linli stood behind a small purple podracer on wheels, pushing it along.   
  
"Sweetie," I said, bending down to talk to her. "We've been through this. It has peddles. For your feet. You're supposed to *ride* in it...not push it." I got a wide-eyed stare and a heart-melting smile for an answer.   
  
"She's still a bit young for it, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said with his own smile. "She'll catch on. She always does."  
  
I watched Linli walk the toy across the room until it bumped into the wall. The impact knocked her to the floor, but she was quickly back on her feet and pushing the racer again.  
  
"She's your daughter all right," I said, lacing my fingers with Qui-Gon's as we watched. "Always a podracer owner...and never a pod racer."  
  
"Hey, now," Qui-Gon said in Linli's defense, accepting the remark with the humor with which it was intended. "Maybe she doesn't *want* to be a pod racer. Perhaps she is the pod mechanic, merely pushing the car out onto the racing field after having repaired it. Did that ever occur to you?"  
  
I laughed so loudly then that I scared Linli and she fell to the carpet again. "Just don't tell Master Yoda that," I said, still chuckling. "I don't think her being *under* the pod is exactly what he had in mind when he gave Linli the gift."  
  
"We can take her to Council chambers when she's learned to ride it," Qui-Gon suggested. "Master Yoda would love to have the distraction while he's dealing with some all-important Council decision."  
  
Abandoning the podracer for a stuffed bear, Linli crawled over to sit at our feet.  
  
"So many new toys, you don't know which to play with first, do you?" I asked, picking her up and kissing her on the cheek. As usual, my padawan braid caught her eye and she dropped the bear, grabbing for the piece of hair.  
  
"Oh no you don't," I told her with a smile. "Toys, remember? Lots of toys. So many to play with that you won't have time to pull my hair anymore, right?"  
  
"I'm sure she loves all of her new things, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said. "But she's always played with that braid. It's captivated her since she first laid eyes on you."  
  
"Yes," I agreed, removing the braid from Linli's grasp once again. "But she used to do it out of reflex; it caught her attention and she reached for it. Now, I think she does it simply to annoy me."  
  
"It is quite possible," Qui-Gon said with a laugh. "If she is half the Force-imp the stories I hear from the creche paint her to be, I wouldn't put it past her." He took Linli from my arms, holding her high above his head. She kicked her bare feet and waved her arms in delight. "Right now, though," Qui-Gon announced. "It's time for the birthday girl to go to bed. Tomorrow will be soon enough to explore all of the gifts, right princess?"  
  
Linli smiled and reached for *his* hair, which was combed out and flowing down his back and shoulders.  
  
"Force! You *are* a tease, aren't you?" he said. Placing his hands beneath her belly, he flew her into the bedroom like a spacecraft, Linli giggling all the way.  
  
* * *  
  
Lying in bed, waiting for Qui-Gon to finish his bedtime rituals with Linli, I found my thoughts turning to the time when our lives had not been this happy. The time when I had thought myself insane.   
  
The voices in my mind had been bad enough, but the visions that had haunted my dreams had nearly sent me over the edge. How could I tell the truth? To have dreams of kissing one's master, of falling asleep in his arms, of sharing a bed with him for more than sleeping was a horrible breech of the Jedi code, wasn't it? But the dreams had not gone away.  
  
Only after I learned about the soulbond had it started to make sense. A soulbond, Qui-Gon had gently explained, was a Force-blessed attachment, formed between two people who connected as one mind on a physical, mental, and spiritual level. An intimate relationship was only the soulbond's logical conclusion.  
  
After my recovery from the bond's near-breaking, I had craved Qui-Gon's touch. I'd needed to be close to him, to see him and to know that he was safe. Waking in the middle of the night, I had often turned to watch Qui-Gon as he slept, so great was the urge to just *be* with him.  
  
It was all a reaction to the bond, the Council had said, and the effects would dissipate as the soulbond strengthened. But it had taken weeks of meditation and counseling sessions with the other Jedi masters before the needs of the bond no longer controlled me. And now, six months later, I still craved his touch.  
  
* * *  
  
"I was hoping you were still awake," Qui-Gon said softly as slipped out of his robes and slid into bed beside me. I rolled into his embrace, placing a soft kiss against his mouth. "Even after all of the excitement today, Linli was ready to go another round. It took me three stories and a lengthy backrub to convince her it was time to sleep."  
  
I smiled into Qui-Gon's shoulder. Sometimes I loved him so much it hurt.   
  
"You're quiet tonight," Qui-Gon said. "Is something bothering you? Memories of the past?"  
  
I shook my head. "I was just thinking about how lucky I am," I told him. "And how scared I was before I knew about the soulbond." I shivered. "I don't know what I'd do without you."  
  
Qui-Gon held me tighter. "Well, I *do* know," he said quietly. "I saw the results of it with my own eyes, and I never want to go through that again. I have you back with me now, as padawan and lifemate, and I'm not going to lose you."  
  
I tipped my head up to kiss him again. "I love you," I said as I broke away to breathe. "Forever."  
  
"And I love you," he answered. "Always. Now, have you relaxed enough to go to sleep, or shall I give you a backrub, too?"  
  
"When I'm in your arms, I am always relaxed," I said, a yawn punctuating my statement. "But I'll take the backrub anyway."  
  
As his hands began to move along my spine, I sighed in contentment and began to drift to sleep. This was where I was meant to be-at the hands of this man...in the arms of this man...in the heart of this man. The Force had deemed it so.  
  
  
[el fin]  
  
  



End file.
